Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Lying to Myself
This was during the birth of child #3. I knew by this time, with two other experiences behind me, that it wouldn't last forever and that I could totally do it...all of it. It was going to be okay, but this already attained knowledge left room for knew information to be added to my arsenal of going-through-labor weapons. I had room to add to what I had come to know from the past.
And I guess that is exactly what this post is about--lying to yourself; making yourself believe things that just aren't true...until they become true.
I've, to be really honest, not been very happy lately. It's all based on a single incident of the past and trust that was broken. Oh, and forgiveness. That's a big part of this whole thing. I've prayed to get past this. I've begged and pleaded for help to let go of it and move on, but it just keeps coming back. I'm not able to let it go yet, I guess, which is really rough. It comes down to a question of will I ever trust again. If I don't, will I ever be happy again? If I do, will my trust be broken again, and will I, thus, feel stupid for having trusted?
Many times I have stated that I cannot make choices for others, but I also understand from that statement, that I, thankfully, won't have to suffer the consequences other people will either. Yes, their consequences may, in some way or other, touch my life and influence what happens to me, but in the long run, as long as I'm making the best choices I know how, I will be safe. Right? Again, here we run into trust.
To be honest, I have to lie.