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Wednesday, April 11, 2012


I haven't felt like myself lately.  It's starting to feel like it's been so long since I've felt normal that I'm starting to wonder what I'm doing wrong.  I decided yesterday that my problem must be that I'm becoming too self-absorbed, so I must need to take more chances to serve others and reach out more.  I got on my knees in the morning and asked for some opportunities to reach beyond myself.

It was an amazing day.  Service opportunities presented themselves.  One would end and another would begin.  It was a great day full of stretching, reaching, and drawing closer to others, but by the end of the day, I was ragged and still feeling not quite right.  Had I barked up the wrong tree?  No, I had done some very good things with my day.  This wasn't wrong, but I believe it helped lead me to what was really wrong....

The Warden and I lay in bed last night talking about life.  He shared the fact that I've been REALLY scattered lately (I mean more than normal--scary huh?)--losing things that I wouldn't normally. That kind of stuff.  Important things.  I'd be too embarrassed to tell you what, but just believe me...Important.

I pondered what he'd just shared and then combined that with the knots that have existed continually in my stomach for the past three or so weeks.  It was then that it occurred to me....

Do you see Maslov's Hierarchy of Needs above?  Well, yah.  I'm typically at the top of that pyramid.  I'm sitting there in the sunshine.  Well, my friends, not any more.

In the past month, I have dropped a couple of rungs, and rather suddenly.  See that umbrella?  Well, that seems to be where I'm currently hunkering.  I, to be honest, find myself worrying about things I've never worried about before.

I don't expect you to understand this because I haven't shared what's still missing from the collection that I called the contents of my purse.  But, I hope you'll use your imagination when I tell you that some very important things are missing.

My brain is so stuck in safety and security that I'm having problems rising toward the sunshine.

It kind of ticks me off that the insurance company is going back and forth about one of the issues--a $3600 issue that MUST be taken care of for part of my feelings of security to return.  I'm hoping that these issues are resolved soon.

I expressed to the Warden that I feel very alone in my fear.  I try to express it, and he and the kids think I'm way overboard in my safety measures--I'm doing what I can to keep them safe.  Darn!  I wish I could tell you so you didn't have to imagine.  They're not crazy things....Just common sense things that we didn't do before.  Anyway, I think they think I've lost my mind.

Being the great man he is, the Warden asked me what the issues really were, so I listed them for him.  I hadn't realized, until I did that, just how much emotion is wrapped up in those things.  He then asked what I felt needed to be done in order to have them resolved.  I was able to tell him everything in detail--all things outside of my control, but I have spent that much time pondering on them that I was able to just spout them all off in a matter of seconds.

This morning, the Warden called me from work.  I think he'd been there for about an hour.

Last night, when we were talking, the lights were out.  He wrote nothing down, but when he called, he went down the list and enumerated all the things he had done and all the people he had contacted to take care of my issues.  WOW!!!  He'd really listened to me.  Not only did he listen, but he put it all into action so quickly.

I feel so loved!  I'm looking forward to moving back up that pyramid some time soon.  Thank you Warden, for bringing that a bit closer.

I must add, though, that I am aware that there are people in this world who exist where I am now, yearning for safety and security, and even down to the bottom of the hierarchy, every minute of every day of their lives.  So sad!  I feel for them.  I am grateful for what I have, but I also recognize that those things I've been blessed with are to be used to help those who feel as I do now.  Where much is given, much is required.


Alyson said...

I hope you move back into the sunshine soon!

Jen said...

I definitely feel your pain not knowing specifically what you are referring to, but feeling the same type of emotions. It can be depressing. I'm impressed that Warden picked up so quickly and made some very snap decisions to help alleviate some of your worries! Kudos to Warden!

Julie said...

Here's where it began, Jen....
The night of the Warden's and my 20th anniversary.

lia london, author and writing coach said...

Y'know... You've been through a few things recently that have been "safety/security" issues. From going over and helping in Japan (and I know your mind lingers there sometimes on the things you saw) to the car break-in. Your kids are growing up and Q is about to embark on a new phase of life. There ARE many things to consider. The danger is when you consider so much that you loop back around through those worries over and over and carve a deep anxiety in your soul.

Yahoo to Zan for his awesome "protector" mode. He is a true star. Now with that list of concerns addressed, you can focus on what might be affecting your normally optimistic ability to face the world.

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