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Wednesday, January 30, 2013

We Interrupt This Previously Scheduled Life....

Do you ever feel like you're failing at life? Well, yep. That's where I am right now. I'm failing.

It finally all came to a head this afternoon. I completely melted down as I faced the fact that there are very few, if any, areas of life in which I feel like I'm succeeding. You name it, I'm screwing it up.

image: mirror.co.uk
I called the Warden at work and vented and cried and vented and cried some more. Oh, and then I cried. Poor guy. He doesn't have a clue what to do with me when I'm an emotional wreck, but thankfully, this doesn't happen very often. Really, it doesn't. He offered to come home, but I begged him not to knowing that that would only make me feel worse.

image: angleofreflection.wordpress.com
So, what is my tendency? To have myself a good old-fashioned pity party. Only this meltdown was so extreme that I decided to run away. I had to. I needed to clear my head. I needed to get back into balance.

I didn't run away for permanent--just a night. I informed each family member, one at a time, what was going on. I received each person's approval. They were all very sweet about it. #3 was especially supportive. She is tackling the tilapia recipe in the crockpot tonight--"Oh yah, easy. I can do that." Man, I love that girl!

I went on Priceline and bid on a room. I got one super cheap just up the freeway.

As the afternoon went on, I started to understand what the straw was that broke the camel's back. I've been working on a 300-page document--editing and rewriting for the past number of months. The guy hired me at a project price. If you're a writer, NEVER do this. ALWAYS charge by the number of words or pages or hourly but NEVER by the project. You'll rip yourself off EVERY time. I was warned by a number of friends, but I ignored them. I wanted to take this project on. I felt it was important. This is the lesson I've learned. The Warden and I figured out that I'm lucky if I'm making a dollar an hour at this point.

image: tumblr.com
To be honest, the Warden asked me months ago why I didn't just quit the project. I don't know why. I guess I felt that I had started it, so I needed to finish it. This was a frequent conversation with my dad when I was a kid. I remember him directing me to this at one point. It has stuck with me. I want to be a finisher. If I've committed to it, I want to complete it.

Do I need to say that I've come to really resent this project? I have seriously spent HOURS on it, and in short, I hate it because I know I'm being undervalued.

So, I said that I'd have it turned in by January 31st. I haven't touched it since before Christmas. It's due tomorrow, and I have to get it done. The basic edit is done and has been for a couple months. I'm just working on beautifying it at this point. I don't want to turn in a shabby piece of work.

I opened the document this afternoon and instantly melted down. It demeans me. It makes me feel worthless. Isn't that sad? I really love to write. I love to write here, and I don't make a red cent here, so why should I be so hung up about writing something as important as that and how much I'm not making by doing it? I guess it's because it was agreed that I'd be paid to do it. I have been paid, but just not enough to justify the work I've done.

So, there you have it....I haven't run away to spoil myself or pamper myself or anything like that. I'm off on my own to free myself from a large burden. I feel ashamed of myself for being so hung up on the almighty dollar. I feel that this project has held me back from being the kind of mom I've wanted to be for nearly a year. I have traded many hours I could have spent with my children for absolutely nothing--just to be a finisher, but they're really the things I want to "finish." I want to polish them and remove the creases and dents by teaching them how to improve themselves, but my time has been spent elsewhere. I look forward to being free to spend time with the things I value most.

My other job allows for this, and I'm so thankful to have that. The gentleman I work for treats me very well and values my work. He even sent me a bonus at the end of the year. I was so excited! How wonderful to be valued.

Tonight, when I'm done writing (who knows what time that will be), I will spend time getting back into some degree of order--attempting to find what is most important and making a plan to strike a balance in life again. I'm looking forward to that. That will be my reward for finishing.

As of tonight (or very early tomorrow morning), I will be free again. I will be free to succeed again at the things I choose to do with my life. Lesson learned. Never will I make that sacrifice again.


Lena Baron said...

Well Dear Julie, you hid your stress very well today as we chatted.;) I had no idea. I'm so sorry if I contributed to the moment! But I am so glad that this lesson will be OVER and LEARNED by tonight. -Deep Breath!- And WELL DONE doing what needed to be done and going away for the night. Though not easy, probably a wise idea. I hope tomorrow brings peace. Don't beat yourself up about it anymore after tomorrow. We all make big mistakes. Some days they feel more powerful then other days. You are an AMAZING woman!! Do Not let the adversary whisper... shout otherwise. Anyway, you've heard from me enough today and you were often in my thoughts and prayers. Maybe this is why. Take Care ((Hugs!!))

P4 said...

"...as I faced the fact that there are very few, if any, areas of life in which I feel like I'm succeeding. You name it, I'm screwing it up."

You just put into words exactly how I have been feeling as of late. Do you mind if I quote you on my blog?

Love you! Thanks for still being a good example to me in my life all these years later.

And good luck! This too shall pass.

Janiece said...

I believe those get away moments are so important to be able to re energize our mind, body and spirit.
Glad the project is over for you.
Now, go out with the Warden and start a new...

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