As I prepared to graduate from college with a Bachelor of General Studies (arts and letters) degree, I was frequently asked, "What is your degree in?" and "What are you going to do with it?"
I went into this most recent part of my schooling with the idea that if something were to happen to my husband, what would I do? How would I support my family? The degree was for emergency purposes only. I wasn't sure what I would do, but I knew I'd be much better off if I could at least prove that I had the stick-to-it-iveness to get a college degree--even if it took me five times longer than the normal person (so, maybe I'm not normal--do we really have to ask that one?). I just knew that a degree would make me a little more employable.
I guess, along with all of these thoughts--holding off on getting a real degree--was the hope that somehow I'd end up falling into doing the thing I loved to do the most. I just hoped something would land in my lap and direct me into what I should be doing that would bring me fulfillment. I knew that chances were slim that this would ever happen, and that I should probably just be decisive for once. I should just pick something and hope that it would be wonderful and right. How do people do this? How did the Warden know that he wanted to go into education? How did he know this from such a young age? Why didn't I know what I wanted to do? Was there something wrong with me? Am I just lousy at committing? Was I just deficient? I mean, if I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up, I'd never really grow up, right?
After my first day in class, he approached me and said, "You should be a teacher. You're a natural." I considered his words and thought, "Hmm....Maybe this is the thing I should do." I enjoyed it. It was fun. Relating to students was a BLAST! I pursued it for awhile, but finally concluded that it was too confining. I guess I'm a bit of a free spirit. I want my freedom. I want to be able to do what I want to do when I want to do it. Does that sound bad? I'm a bit too antsy to be stuck in a classroom everyday doing the same routine day in and day out. Again, is something wrong with me?
This morning, the Warden and I met with a CPA. She consulted us on what direction I should be taking with this new opportunity in writing. It was all very exciting. I'm definitely learning some new things here, and there's no doubt I have much, much more to figure out.
As we talked, I kept looking over at the Warden. I would turn to him and say, "You'll remind me of this, won't you? You've got this figured out, right?" He would nod reassuringly and tell me that he would help me.
We had a good laugh over this as I confessed that with all of the tax stuff I'm like "a deer in the headlights." "Sure," the CPA responded. I was a little surprised by this that's-to-be-expected kind of answer. "You're a creative."
So, here I am....I've had handed me what I love to do. I love to create through words. I'm loving the work I've done so far. I love the freedom it gives me.
Maybe this is the same. Is it possible that, in order to know what should come next in my life, I had to take certain steps in order to get to this point--go back to school, start a blog, reconnect with people through Facebook, and finally graduate from college? Maybe that's how all of life is. Maybe.