This has been my night so far, so I'm up.
Just as I start to doze off to sleep again, I hear my name again in the darkness...."Maaaahm. I need you...."
I finally got her settled in my bed and then thoughts start to creep in as I think about her.....What can I do better? How can I be a better mom to her?
I don't worry about where I've gone wrong, but yes, there's been plenty of that in our history. It is destructive to think that way. It makes me want to stop trying altogether.
That's how it is with moms.
Let me explain.....There are things I've been lousy at lately. I will openly admit that. It's okay for me to admit that; it may even be healthy for me to do so, but to dwell on it and scrape up every little thing I'm doing wrong does nothing but bring me down. Not healthy. Discouraging.
What I do instead is look ahead. What can I do differently from here on out?
I am setting the basis upon which my children can build their lives in their early years. I teach them the basics. I am their moral guide and teacher. I lay the foundation of their characters.
Think that what I do doesn't matter? Think I can be lazy and half-hearted in this job I've undertaken?.... Guess again.
I have heard said that it "takes a village to raise a child," and I get that, but if that foundation isn't set by someone in their lives, it will never be there. Ideally, that person is their mother.
I will be honest, I haven't been doing a very good job. I've been lazy and let things slip through the cracks. I've been hoping that some magical lesson in life would teach them, but that's not happening. It really is my responsibility. I can't pass the buck. It belongs to me. But, knowing this and facing it, I can now do better. Starting today. Just like quitting smoking, even at this point, there will be benefits.
I'm getting too old to be up like this, but I can't stop. That's not what motherhood's about. My commitment is to each of these little people that call me "Mom," or in the middle of the night, "Maaahm." My responsibility is to those who keep me up.