Back to a Simpler Way

For the time being, I have disconnected from Facebook. Before I deactivated my account, it warned me that the two blogs I have listed there won't have administrators and updates won't show up on the Facebook feed. I thought about this and decided that was probably better anyway.

So, if you're reading this, I have a pretty good hunch that you sought me out. That's really great. It wasn't a matter of clicking a link because you were bored and just thought you'd read whatever was there just for the heck of it.

I went back this morning and looked over the very first blog post I ever wrote. There was no preface. There was no this-is-how-my-life-has-been-up-to-this-point post. I just started in writing about life at that moment--it was December 14th, 2007, I was a mother of six, I was a college student, brownies were in the oven, I was scanning pictures. To be honest, I didn't write for a reader. I wrote for myself--to keep track of the happenings and feelings I had about life. That was my blog's sole purpose--nothing fancy.

image: jakesluckylife.blogspot.com

I have to admit that as time has gone on, I've changed. To be honest, I haven't liked it. I think it started with the nomination for Young Mother of the Year. If I had to do it again, I wouldn't have accepted it. When it arrived in the mail, I highly considered just sending a "no" reply, but I let my pride drag me down a very different path than I was following. I'm sorry. I don't regret being involved with the organization, but I wish I'd come into it through another means--because I felt passionately about its cause, which I do.

Suddenly, I felt I had to be perfect in everything I did. I had to be someone I wasn't. I had to know everything. I was no longer genuine and was playing to an audience. I've learned that that's not me. So, things evolved in a very prideful way. Again, I'm sorry.

It was once said, "Either we can choose to be humble or we can be compelled to be humble" (Ezra Taft Benson). Today, I write here to humble myself.

image: nhs.uk

I find that lately that I've been preachy and feel a touch of sarcasm and maybe even anger in what I write. I apologize. I AM angry, or maybe more than "anger," I feel let down. I won't get into details, but I will share that a small part of that has to do with the election, even though I've made peace with that. I see prophesy being fulfilled, which I believe will all be fulfilled, and it makes me angry to know that we're heading that way. It can't be stopped, I know that, but still, it frustrates me. It seems like no one else sees it, and it perplexes me.

So, I've come here today to apologize. I have a desire to start fresh.

image: stillblondeafteralltheseyears.com

I want to write for me again. I don't want to chastise the rest of the world anymore, and I know that's not my place.

So, if you're here, and you sought me out, thank you. Thank you for putting up with my little stint of anger and frustration, and my enormous stint with pride. I hope your being here means you've just rolled your eyes, shook your head, and been tolerant and forgiving of me, and that maybe, to some small degree, you understood.

Thank you for being a true friend.

Exciting Times

#1 has been planning on a mission for awhile now. She's talked about it and planned on it. We had a few years to think and plan, so it was all good. THAT was before October.

On the first Saturday in October at the General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, this announcement was made:





For as long as I can remember, young men have had to be 19 and young women, 21 to serve missions. This was a very thrilling and unexpected announcement.


To be honest, I was at a child's soccer game on that bright, sunny October morning. I was texted by #3 who was home watching Conference. She shared the announcement. When I read it, I thought it was a joke, but then I thought, "Why would this be a joke? It could be true."

This had some HUGE implications for us as a family. #1 would turn 19 in a month. #1 had been planning on a mission already. Woah! As I started to put the pieces together, I had a joyful feeling in my heart. This opened up a whole new option. Suddenly, life was different.

I texted #1, who was in Salt Lake City with a friend at the friend's grandmother's house watching Conference. I wrote: "Are you planning on turning in some mission papers?" Her response: "Hmm....I was thinking about it. :)"

I remember that day I walked around with this ecstatic feeling but at the same time, there was this rock in my stomach. How were we ever going to afford such a thing? I finally decided that that wasn't mine to worry about. If the Lord wanted her, He'd get us there on His time. It would be okay.

I pondered and pondered on how we'd get the money and where it would come from. I guess I had to do that. I had to be secure in our weakness so that when the time came that the money appeared, I'd really know where it came from and would see the miracle that it was.

I got home and spoke with the Warden. We were very much on the same page.

One thing this would do for us is it would space out our missionaries. #2 will go after #1 gets back. If it had stayed at 19 and 21, they would have been gone at the same time.

One thing I needed to know was how much a mission cost. I searched online and found that a missionary pays $400 a month to go out and serve the world. Hmm. That didn't seem so bad. I started to crunch numbers and found that for a young woman to serve her 18-month term, it would be $7200. Okay, again, not going to kill us.

It was then that I went to our bank accounts to assess where we are in savings both our family accounts and our children's accounts. It was then that I saw the miracle. There it was....sitting there....the exact amount she needed. The amazing thing was it wasn't even in our savings. It was money we'd set aside for other things. It was saved for other things, but it was there. Was it ours to sacrifice?

Of course, #1 was away at school, and this was all hers to plan. It was ours to support. It was just nice to know that we could do that without reservation. When she was ready to go, we'd be ready too.

The next few weeks were full of excitement. She decided that she wanted to go another term and finish out the school year. That would eliminate half of that money, and she'd have to re-earn it. She was okay with that. She went to see her bishop and got the process started. She started filling out her mission papers. They're all online now, which is fabulous.

I know. I know...the bangs!

To make sure her heart was in the right place, I gave her the same test I gave myself at that point in my life: "If you were called to the Oregon Portland Mission, would you still go?" Her response: "I'll go wherever the Lord sends me." Good girl!

The other morning I received a text stating that she'd been talking to one of her roommates and her roommate asked what she had against just staying home next semester. She said, "I couldn't think of a reason."

Woah! This was something I didn't expect. This meant there were a whole new set of options. She could get her medical and dental stuff done a bit more casually--not have to cram it all into the few weeks she would have been home for Christmas break. This meant she could interview with OUR bishop and stake president. This meant she could come home and earn money, which has been a huge thing sitting there in the back of my mind since this whole thing began--I want her to feel that she has invested a big portion of herself into this experience. I just feel it will mean more to her. This also means she can put her papers in earlier than originally expected.

image: imperialsenate.wordpress.com

We sat and crunched numbers last night. Minimum wage in Oregon is $8.95. I told her that if she started working the moment she arrived home, she'd only have to work for ten weeks in order to be ready financially. "Heck. If you had to, you could flip burgers at McDonald's for ten weeks and still make it. That wouldn't even be three months."

So, the fun begins. We have two weeks to prepare for her return. Now the big question, who's going to share their room?

Sleep Test Results

image: simply-american.net

I slept like a ROCK last night. First time in FOREVER, and it felt so good!

Finally got the results from my sleep test. It feels like it was eons ago, but they called the other day and told me what I was TOTALLY not expecting. I thought they'd say it was that I didn't have sleep apnea. I put of making the appointment just because I KNEW I didn't have it. I thought it was a complete waste of time.

Well, it ends up that I have MILD sleep apnea. That makes me happy. I mean, I knew it wasn't severe. I also now get how I'm ALWAYS tired.

image: knowabouthealth.com

The woman on the phone told me that I stopped breathing six times. I'm thinking, yah, okay, not a biggie. Six times isn't a big deal. I can handle that, but yesterday the results arrived in the mail, and I got to peruse it a bit closer. It ends up that it's six times AN HOUR. What?!

So, yah. Still mild, but that WAY explains the tiredness, wouldn't you say?

Putting Up My Own Retaining Walls

After yesterday's experience with my son, I got to thinking about how that relates to upward spiraling (a recurring topic for this past year). Just like all of us, my children are experiencing erosion. The world drags them down. Their own inaction on some things is really not inaction at all, nothing in this world stands still.

I've been thinking about these words, "The natural man is an enemy to God," and I've thought about how what we should be doing here, what will cause an upward spiral in life, will be to fight against our own nature--to try to become more like God--to fight our own selfish desires and strive to help others.

I realized that my purpose as a mother is to help my children and direct them in what will decrease and even reverse the erosion in their lives. I need to help them learn to defy gravity and fly. I need to make sure that I provide EVERY opportunity that will put them in good places to learn and grow.

The example I set for them is one way to do this but another way is to help them set their own boundaries.

image: dmterrill.com

We have need of a retaining wall in our backyard. We've needed it for years, to be honest. With other priorities, this one need has been pushed to the wayside over and over again. So, as you can imagine, the hill of dirt, continues to succumb to gravity. There must be a wall that is well-braced, there to hold the dirt up to keep that hill from hurting our house.

So, the big question....When will I decide that that wall should be a higher priority? When will it reach the top of my list? When will enough be enough? Will I let it get to the point of damaging our home? In other words, when will I hit rock bottom? When I be ready to improve the current situation? Clearly, not yet.

image: kimberlyriggins.com

Since yesterday, I've been thinking about rules, boundaries, and priorities. I wonder, do I have limitations in my life that keep me safe? Are my children aware of my "code of conduct?" Do they see that I do the things I do because I want my life to be better today than it was yesterday, and do they see that I understand that I, in almost every way possible, control that outcome?

It seems that so many in our day don't have these rules. They kind of let nature or karma or fate or whatever you want to call it, control and direct their lives.

image: flickr.com

There was a woman who once owned a cat. That cat was all over the neighborhood. The first time we came in contact with the cat, it was up, nearly a mile's walk away, at the elementary school. Since the street the school is located on is fairly busy, I thought it might not be a great place for an animal to just roam free, so I lured it to follow us. As we went, I asked the people who passed if they knew where the cat lived. We were directed to the street right across from our own. I was surprised at how far she'd wandered.

When we walked the kitten to the door, the woman answered. She explained that whatever happened to the cat would be God's will and opened her door to let the cat in. She thanked us and expressed that because we'd brought the cat home, it must have been God's will. Hmm....Interesting. I had never looked at things that way before.

I believe that there are circumstances in our lives that happen and that there are things that are brought about because they are God's will for us, but if I were to approach life in that same manner, my personality being what it is, I think I would just sit back and wait for life to happen around me. How would I be motivated to do anything if all that happened to me was just God's will?

image: news.bbc.co.uk

Erosion is caused by sitting back and letting it happen. When I first brought the idea of an upward spiral to my husband, he told me about a classroom lesson he'd sat in on just the week prior to that and how they'd discussed the very topic--interesting timing, no? He said that they'd concluded that in order to reverse erosion, something had to be added to it. There had to be something new done to the land or added in to make it stop and improve the circumstances.

In other words, some kind of retaining wall or similar device needed to be added to hold back the erosion, but it was concluded that there was nothing in this world that could really halt erosion altogether.

image: drses.blogspot.com

So, as this year comes to a conclusion, that's what I've finally figured out....There is no way to stop erosion on our own. The downward spiral is inevitable, but each of us, at some point, need to decide where our rock bottom is. We need to, then, reach for something beyond this world. Once we do, the upward spiral can begin and will be as strong as our reach.

As a mother, my job is to help my children decide what their retaining walls will be until they can decide for themselves to reach upward, beyond this world--heavenward. My job is to teach them how, but I need to be doing it myself first.

So, have I decided that enough is enough? Have I hit rock bottom? As soon as I have, I can begin to build my limits so I don't end up at that same point of erosion again. Once my limits are built, it's time to reach heavenward. The upward spiral in my life will be just as strong as my reach toward heaven. That's what I've finally concluded.