Ten Random Minutes: The Most Important Trait to Teach

School has been canceled because of snow. It's 7:20 in the morning, everyone but one boy, reading in his bed, is still sleeping. I have been awake since 5am. Husband seems to be ill, so even though it's a day off for everyone else, life remains the same; although, maybe a wee bit more complicated--taking care of a sick husband while trying to keep the noise level down with six extra people in the house--for me.

I want to stray from the specific missionary-related topics I've been writing on lately. The next bunch of things I have to write about are tricky. They are important and a bit sensitive, so I'm not quite sure how to get them down in writing.

I guess, for today, I just want to write about randomness (I have no clue where this is going to go)….


I have learned over the past few years just how vitally important my role is. I am the queen bee. I am the line drawer. If something's going to happen around here, I'm the instigator, the planner, the scheduler, the follow-through-er. I am it.

Some may say, where's your husband in all of this? But let's be real. He has his own world at work. That's where he's in charge. It's there that he has to instigate, plan, schedule, etc. He doesn't do that in both places. He shouldn't have to, and he's not here most of the time….I am. I have the full picture of just how our home runs.

I have been learning the importance of obedience, and not just obedience, quick and exact obedience. These are values I learned from childhood, but I don't believe my parents required them as much as I do from my own children, and lately, I'll admit, I've been slacking….BIG TIME!

I learned how very vital obedience is on my mission. This is one thing I appreciate #1's Mission President for. He is very much like my mission presidents. Obedience is job one. Once I learned, hearing from other missionary parents, that he was all about missionaries being obedient, I was able to relax and enjoy the ride. I knew my daughter was in the right place under the right leadership. I knew she'd be safe and that she'd learn life's important lessons.

As a parent, I figure my role is to show my kids just a glimpse of what God might be like. Not that I'm their god, but my character traits should be so close to His in justice, mercy, kindness, generosity, consistency, etc.--inasmuch as a human being can muster these characteristics--that they come to know Him by interacting with me. I figure my example is CRUCIAL to how they learn to trust and how they grow to be moral people.

One thing I want for my children is what #1 is now experiencing day-to-day. She's learning, in real time, to trust God. She is learning to listen with her whole heart. She is learning to obey the voices that she hears as they strike her mind and her heart at the same time. She is also learning from her mistakes as she, at times, ignores some of those whisperings she receives. This, to me, is one reason why I want my children to choose to serve missions. This is why I think it's so important.

For now, in my home, they learn to obey me in preparation to learning to obey God. Like I said before, I sometimes slack on my job. I have noticed that the words, "Yah, I'll get to it" and "Just a minute" and sometimes, heaven forbid, even outright "No" are used increasingly around this house. I am learning, the hard way, that this cannot be. I need to rally my troops and bring them back to where they need to be.

I figure our home is their training ground. I realize that if they can learn to say, "Okay, Mom" and "I'm on it" and "Coming" now, while they're in my home, the greater the chance is that, when they're out on their own, they'll be able to say "Yes" and "Here I am" when they are called and sent forward by a greater power….Not just on their missions but in life in general.

This is what I desire for my children. This is what I want for their futures--that they might recognize the voice of God and learn to follow it obediently throughout their lives.


Now, to take care of the sickie and hold down the din. Off to send some kids out to the snow….and off to figure out just how to write these upcoming posts…..

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Following Suit

As you can see, over on the right-hand side of this blog, is a list of friends' blogs. One that frequently rises to the top (the most recently updated blog is the one at the top of the list) is "Silver Lining." It belongs to a young woman who used to live in our stake. I just adore her, and I love everything she writes.

Well, tonight I went to read her latest and decided that I'm going to follow her lead.....I'm going to write about whatever I want to write about. If this goes south, forgive me....

I'm actually sitting here in the dark among a half folded pile of clothes. I had promised #4 that I'd be dressed and ready for a walk tonight when he got home from the church so he could ride along beside me and try out his new bike lights.

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I sat down to fold with the intention of watching "Who Do You Think You Are?" while I folded. But it seems that the season has ended. NOOOO!!! How will I EVER fold laundry again....just kidding. Well, because that was out, I opted for Netflix. My computer's been having all kinds of memory issues, so I thought I'd run a scan, but then I was afraid to open my browser, so well, I fiddled around for a bit deleting files, etc. and the folding was delayed. Finally, I got on with the folding. Wow! That was just a lot of info you probably didn't even want to know, huh?

See, this is why I don't just write to write.....Okay, back to writing to write. I mean, I started it, so I'd better finish it, huh?

Right as I heard the door open as the majority of my family returned from Mutual (the LDS word for youth group) tonight, I jumped up and decided that I'd better get my exercise clothes on. #4 came upstairs so excited because they did genealogy tonight. He found some things he was very happy about. It was even more fun to tell him that the people he was talking about were the people who, when they came over from Germany, brought the chest that sits in our front room, and they are the ones who purchased the piano we now have in our home after they arrived in the United States. He thought that was pretty darned cool. Actually, I do too.

Well, I got my walking clothes on and my reflective vest, and it was suddenly time to get three kids to bed and read to them. A friend showed up at the door with some goodies for us (THANK YOU!) and #4 was getting all ready to go. I stood there in a bit of chaos trying to appease everyone. I finally got out the door.

We only went out for about 20 minutes, but it was good to get out, and #4's lights worked beautifully.

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I am right now in the process of reading the Percy Jackson series to #5. #4, although he's already read the entire series, sits in too because they share a room. Tonight, after we returned from the walk, we read chapter three of the second book. When we finish this one, we'll move into the Battle of the Book books for this school year.

Speaking of books, #6 has had a VERY good day today. He told me this morning that his teacher was encouraging him to go to his "local library" to get some Todd Parr books. I don't know who Todd Parr is, but okay. I'm game. I wonder if #6 thinks that the library is really called the "local library" because that's what he referred to it as the entire time we were out.

I love driving #1's car. With everyone but #7 in school all day, I now drive that around more than I do the Beast. The great thing about it is that if I have the luxury of choosing where I go in the afternoon, I can only take one child with me. It's forced one-on-one time. FABULOUS!

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While we were at the library, I picked up Parenting the Explosive Child. I've had two friends mention it to me, so I thought it was time to give it a perusal. The other book I've been pointed toward is The Child Whisperer by Carol Tuttle. I put a hold on that book, but there were six holds already placed on it, so that one's going to take awhile. So thankful for our "local library."

#6 happened to pick up Underwear Dos and Don'ts by Todd Parr. A definite classic if I've ever heard one. Of course, he HAD to read it to me as we drove, and to be honest, how could I turn him down? It's not everyday you get to learn about something you've been doing for most of your life. I learned that it's okay to own lots of pairs of underwear, but it's not okay to wear them all at the same time.....Good to know.

We ran an errand after the library, and by the time we headed past the library again on our way home, #6 was already through with and ready to return two of the books he'd checked out. Nice!

Well, other than teaching preschool today, those are the major events of the day. Yes, believe it or not, that is the kind of excitement that surrounds me. I know, it's hard not to be jealous, but it is what it is....And I guess I can now honestly say I know who Todd Parr is, whether I like to admit that or not.

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What I Learned from Silent "L"

When I was a child, I remember learning how to read. I recall the word "would" showing up on the page. I was a good reader, but it took me FOREVER to learn that word.

As we read in class, I remember my turn to read would come up. Without fail, as I'd hit that word, someone would blurt it out so that I wouldn't have to struggle with sounding it out and take valuable time stumbling over that silent "l." Over and over this happened.

Then, one day, I was sitting at home reading silently to myself. Suddenly, there was a word that held me up. It wasn't a long word, and I knew every letter in it, but I sat there and struggled. I tried to sound it out. I recall slowly sounding each letter out--W-O-U-L-D. I said it out loud, "Would." What word was that? I had never heard a word like that before. I had to have been reading it wrong.

Finally, I figured out that the words around it might help me figure it out. Sure enough. That word was "would!" Pronounced "wood." Got it! It clicked. From that point on, whenever I saw "W-O-U-L-D," I knew that it was pronounced "wood." I never struggled with it again.

You might ask why this is so significant to me now. Why would I even remember something so simple as this? Here is why.....And yes, my explanation will require another little story....

When #1 was about seven, I signed her up for swimming lessons. As she came out of the locker room and headed to the pool, with panic on her face, she shared that she had forgotten her towel.

My first instinct was to tell her to go ahead and go to her lesson. I'd run home and get her towel. I'd be back just in time for the end of the lesson. Something stopped me...."Would" stopped me.

I thought through the scenario....If I "read over it" for her, would she ever learn to "read" it?

Instead of grabbing my car keys and making a run for the parking lot, I chose otherwise. I told her how sad I was that she'd forgotten it, and I wasn't lying. I really WAS sorry. I went and grabbed my seat in the stands and proudly watched my daughter learn a new skill.

At the end of the lesson, #1 came shivering from the pool. She scurried, because "no running" allowed, to the locker room, showered, and clumsily pulled her clothes onto her wet body. Was I sad for her? You'd better believe it. Did I feel guilty because I could have solved her problem? Oh, yes, but again, "would" stopped me.

Sometimes (dare I say often?), teaching our children is painful. Sometimes, just because we are the grown ups and have been there, done that, and have the means to rescue them and thus relieve them (and ourselves) from any amount of discomfort, we feel that that's our duty. 

I was pretty sure that after that, #1"would" never forget her towel again. She had been allowed to have the full experience of "sounding it out" herself. 

Actually, the next week, as we walked through the door to the pool, #1 smiling, proudly, pulled her towel from her bag: "Look, Mom. I brought my towel." I never had to remind her about her towel again. That doesn't mean I didn't have to remind her about other things, but I guess shivering wasn't her idea of a good time, so the towel thing was covered.

I would propose that it is more important for us to use those feelings to react compassionately toward our children. It's in the allowing them to have the full experience. That the true learning takes place.

So, why do these stories pop into my head this morning? Well, as we were heading out the door to school this morning, one of my children started to walk out the front door without shoes or socks on. I noticed, but I said nothing. I knew that within a few steps out onto the deck, he'd figure it out and run back in, but before that experience could teach the lesson, his older brother called out, "SHOES!"

DARN! I guess that lesson will be reserved for another occasion. I "would" think there will be one.

Sadly, though, I do need to add an obvious note here: 

If a child is in mortal danger, for heaven's sake, rescue him/her (Did I really need to add that?). If it is a situation in which the child really can't fix it him/herself (for example, my daughter taking care of her fraud situation while she was heading to the MTC), you will have to step in and take care of things. 

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Seven Methods to Get Kids to Clean

My house has been clean for five days straight. Not a big deal to many people, I'm sure, but HUGE to me. Maybe we're hitting that stage. Maybe that's what comes after diapers are diminished because the last child is potty trained. Wow! I wasn't expecting that, and I can only hope that that's the case. Five days....Let me say that differently...FIVE DAYS gives me hope.

Here's the new challenge....It used to be that "cleaning the house" on a day-to-day basis meant tidying the house. We'd do the heavier cleaning, scouring, etc. on Saturday mornings. Well, the house is tidy. Lovely! Tidy. I'll take it, but I still want my kids to learn to work and contribute to the household daily, so it seems that the kids' daily jobs (I refuse to use the word "chores") will take a turn. Instead of "straighten the front room," it will have to become something like, "dust the front room" or something. I don't even know. I'm really going to have to look at this from a different angle. Of course, there will always be dishes and counters to wipe and things to sweep on a daily basis; it's just that that "straightening" aspect has somehow disappeared.

The other day, I had the joy of driving with my wonderful sister-in-law opposite me in the car. She rode "shotgun." I LOVE talking to her. She is mother to eight. My other siblings have two and three children, and I love them all dearly, but I relate with this sister-in-law very well. We see life very similarly.

As we drove we shared notes on how we clean house. It was so fun to hear how we had done similar things without ever consulting each other on the topic before.

Here are some ways we get our children to work:

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• Magic Scrap: This is a game my husband actually played with his students when he was a teacher, and I've heard my kids talk about playing it in their classrooms. Here is the premise. I will sometimes play this around the entire house and will go from room to room trying to find something that's out of place or a single job that needs to be done. I will write it down. Sometimes I'll even choose three or four things and write them all down. I invite the kids in and have them clean. The whole purpose is to find and put away (or do the job) that is written on the paper. If they do it successfully, the game ends for that room, and we move onto the next room. When all the magic scraps are found or the jobs are done, the people who found the magic scraps get a prize for each scrap they found.

  

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• Timer: My sister-in-law will take her kids to a room and ask them how long they think it would take to make the room look perfect. The kids choose a time, and she sets a timer. She will then dole out the jobs ("You've got floor boards. You've got garbages...."). If they get it all done before the timer goes off, they reward themselves.
• Top to bottom: This one is my favorite. I meet my kids at the farthest point in our house. I start delegating jobs to them as we proceed through the house. For example, we start in our upstairs hallway. I start out by asking one child to straighten the bookshelves. The next child is to pick up any scraps of paper or whatever off the floor. Another child is to go get the vacuum. We continue in this way as we work our way through the entire house. When a child successfully accomplishes one task, they are given another in another area. The child who is cleaning up items from the floor may next be assigned the scouring of the toilet in the upstairs bathroom. It goes on. As we finish one area, that is declared and we move to the next. I'm not sure why I love this way so much, but I think it must be because we're all working together for a common cause and no one is above another. I have found this one works best if I'm giving myself jobs too.

  

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• Job chart: This is my least favorite. We had a job chart for a few years and rotated jobs weekly. Everyone had an area of the house to clean as well as a job for before dinner and one for after. The kids did a really good job on these and everything got done unless someone was out of the house. The only problem I had with this system was the "But it's not my job" problem we ran into more frequently than we enjoyed. Actually, we never enjoyed it, so if it EVER happened, it made me crazy.
• On the fly: This is how I started teaching my kids to do housework. I wanted them to be the kind who, when asked, would jump up and do. I don't know if we ever perfected this idea, but remembering how this was made us abolish our job chart. From a very young age, I started teaching my kids how to do various tasks around the house--emptying the silverware from the dishwasher, rinsing dishes, folding towels, making beds, etc. As they grew, their abilities grew. I knew that if they knew how to do something it wouldn't be as overwhelming, so I taught them little by little until they knew how to do everything I did. My one rule in this method was that I was NEVER to ask my kids to do something I wouldn't do myself. Along with this, my kids were taught that using the word "no" toward their parents was as bad as a swear word. If they use it, they get an additional job. Too many jobs and logical consequences become a bit more serious. I try to keep track mentally of who has been asked to do things most recently, so I don't end up calling on the same kid or kids over and over again.

  

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• Pick and choose - This is the method we used to get the house clean this most recent time. I will go through the house and create a list of the jobs that must be done. I count them up and divide by the number of workers. Each worker must then choose that number of jobs. This time it was six for each person. They go through the list and we go around the circle over and over again until the jobs are all claimed. They then get to work on the jobs that they've chosen. I will list each family member and just what jobs they chose and keep that master list. I then make a list for each individual and hand it to him/her.
• The next step - We are implementing a whole new system here now, but so far, I don't like it at
  all. It exposes too much of human nature for me to be comfortable with it. I believe in rising above human nature and hope that my children will soon be up for the challenge. This requires them to serve with a generous heart. They must go around the house and find the area that needs the most attention and then do it. Unfortunately, as I've thrown this at my kids, they have gone for the area that can be done quickest and with the least amount of effort. Thus, human nature. Wouldn't you agree? I mean, if we can be lazy, we will, right?

I'm sure there are a million and a half ways to get kids to work. These are a few of the more successful ways we've tried around this Madhouse. We've also had lists and page protectors and dry erase markers and notebooks, but I'd love to hear of more ways. It seems that with nearly every way we've tried, a time limit, some type of accountability, and a reward goes a long way; although, I try not to do that every time. Sometimes, I think kids need to work just for the sake of work and with a feeling of pride in their abilities and in their surroundings.

I have also adopted the perspective that some effort is better than no effort at all. Take what you can get, and be happy with it. If you're not happy with it. Teach them how to do it in a better way. A good old positive pep talk goes a long way as well.

I must admit that sometimes I'm really up on getting my kids to help around the house, and sometimes I'm a HUGE slacker. Things seem to ebb and flow around here in nearly every way possible. Housework is no exception.

I'm sure we're not done exploring new ways of cleaning a house. Especially now that our situation has changed. I honestly feel like I'm in a foreign place. There are no dishes in my sink. There are no toys on my family room floor. SO strange!

And now that I've written this, you know I've just jinxed myself....

...A little game of Magic Scrap, anyone?

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What I'm Learning About Cheerfulness

I believe I wrote in my gratitude post this morning that I've been struggling lately. But seriously, what would life be without struggles, right? Anyway, I took a different stance this morning. I got up and felt the same as I have for days. I decided to pray about the specific things that are concerning me--yet again. There have been no answers lately, but when I got up off my knees, I decided that maybe I needed to keep better track, so this post is a compilation of today's thoughts and lessons. These are the impressions that popped into my mind and heart as I went about today's work.

Looking back now, I'm surprised at just how many answers there were.

I kept my laptop on the counter in the kitchen as I did the dishes and made pancakes for breakfast. As I did something that made me happier, I jotted it down quickly and then got back to work.

The things listed here are what occurred prior to 2:00 this afternoon. After that time, I decided to run the kids to the park and let them run through the fountain. I guess we could add run around and do fun stuff  to the list, but life got to bustling after that, so here's my list of cheerfulness:


A little lesson for myself.....

• Music matters. Something peppy--sing along and sing loud. Dancing's even better.



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• I decide the weather. It doesn't matter what my situation, but in my home, it is of particular importance. You know the old saying, "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." Well, that's true. The converse is also true. If momma's happy, everyone's happy.

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“I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate.It is my daily mood that makes the weather. I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration, I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated, and a person is humanized or de-humanized. If we treat people as they are, we make them worse. If we treat people as they ought to be, we help them become what they are capable of becoming” (Haim G. Ginott).

• Appearance matters. Wear something that makes you look good. Today, I wore a blouse and my happy green sweater with the white polka dots. I put my hair up and now I'm in search of some happy earrings.
• Have a routine.
• Pray--on your knees out loud.
• Pray more--in your heart ALL the time. Any time you speak with someone, pray in your heart right before.
• Don't get sucked in. Stick with your routine. Don't get caught up on the small stuff--like finding those happy earrings. If you can't find them, put on a glittery necklace or bracelet and call it all good. Now, on the other hand, if a child wakes up or one leaves the house, leave what you're doing to be there to greet or send him/her off.
• Tell yourself "It's good."
• Keep counting your blessings. When you see something good, cling to it.
• No excuses. Recognize those excuses and rationalizations for what they are.
• Insist that the kids help out. If they've left a mess and you know who left the mess, make sure they clean it up.
• Don't get overwhelmed. Use a timer.
• Don't fall into the habit of yelling across the house for any reason (unless the house is on fire, of course).
• Don't EVER let them see you sweat. NEVER raise your voice. Keep calm and give logical choices.
• Have a list. Prioritize. First things first.
• Know when too much is too much. Don't be afraid to ask for help or delegate.
• Let them handle their own problems, but again, pray.
• Low tones.
• Enlist the energy drain mentality.
• NEVER let a tender mercy pass you by--like those happy earrings that just showed up, literally,

  

  See 'em? Thanks, Gayla!

  on my doorstep. Recognize every little blessing for what it is and give thanks for it.
• Clean as you go. If you make the mess, clean up the mess, no matter how small.
• Surround yourself with happy people and happy things. Don't seek out icky things--I find myself looking at pictures of Ariel Castro's house. STOP!
• Don't return to your bedroom during the day--except to use the bathroom because who wants to use a bathroom where the kids have been? Wow, am I snobbish or what?
• Be nice to yourself. Give yourself a break every once in awhile. But remember, breaks are like dessert, not the main course.
• Be in control--stop something you like doing just to prove to yourself that you can--control the situation.
• Feed your spirit.
• Sing through the jobs you hate--sing even when, and especially when, you don't feel like it.
• Listen to lots of Taylor Swift and as you do so, be SO grateful that the dating days are long gone and that you got the guy you did. Phew!
• Wear an apron to cover those cute clothes--you don't want to have to change.
• Look at everyone who talks to you. Restate what they say to let them know that you're really listening and for clarification.
• Lower your voice. Do the opposite of what your urge is.
• Enforce respect--have little people clean up after themselves, help them/remind them to look into your face when they talk to you.

Inspirational messages of the day:

• "Courage is fear that prayed." --Thanks, Julia!

  

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• "This is a time of faith, not fear" (Ensign magazine)
• "Be not afraid, only believe" (Mark 5:36)
• "Faith, to be faith, must walk to the edge of the light, and then a few steps into the darkness" (Boyd K. Packer)
• "Look up" (Thomas S. Monson)
• "God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face" (Jeffrey R. Holland)
• "Rapids are a part of our journey." They're the best part of the trip and add a sense of

  

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  accomplishment and exhilaration.
• "Answers to prayer and the solutions to our problems generally come as we begin to act, not while we are on our knees praying."
• "There is nothing in this world that can defeat us."

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In short, this list is a lesson to me that answers come continually in many ways. If I seek for them, they will be found. And if, next time, I'm not looking in the right places, I can always come back here.

Double Talk

Sometimes the things I resort to as a mother surprise even me. Let's take today's tactics for instance....

Maybe it's because they've grown unaccustomed to hearing my voice during the day when school is in session, or maybe it's because they've already grown tired of my voice in the couple weeks we've had of summer vacation, but my children (my younger boys, in particular) don't hear anything the first time I say it. EVER....anymore.

Now, I'm not the kind of mom, usually, who knee jerks the consequences I dole out in response to my kids' behaviors. I just don't. As much as possible, the punishment must fit the crime. It must be logical. It must somehow tie to the broken rule. I must admit, I've become fairly creative in tying the two together over the years. I mean, how can you avoid a little creativity when you've set those kinds of ground rules for yourself and you've been doing the same thing for over 19 years--and the end of that tunnel is so far off that it seems nonexistent?

Today, we were driving in the car. I, for the umpteen-millionth time, repeated myself. I swear the first time I speak I must sound like Charlie Brown's teacher. I just MUST.





The second time the defect must clear up because the second time around, there is sometimes some kind of response that shows acknowledgment, but I hate to admit that at times clarification is needed a third and fourth time.

There is always a lag time between the first utterance and the repetition as I stand there waiting in full expectation that there will be some glint of understanding. That's where the frustration begins. I mean, why do I even wait. I already know I'm going to have to say it again. Shoot! Pavlov's dogs learned faster than I do--excuse me while I wipe my chin.

Today, I decided that I was tired of wasting such valuable time, so instead of saying something once and then waiting for a response to see if I needed to repeat myself, I just went ahead and repeated myself right away. I just went head and repeated myself right away.

And you know what? You know what?.....

It WORKED! It WORKED! I mean like a charm. I totally had their attention. Not only that, but they were talking to me in hopes that I would respond....at first.

This carried on for about an hour. This carried on for about an hour. Then, the 13-year-old decided that he'd had enough. So, after he and his brothers promised that they'd answer the first time, I went back to normal. They wanted me to promise that I'd never do that again, but you know what?...

....I didn't promise. I didn't promise.

Up

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I'm up....Kids crying my name in the middle of the night.... Coughing.... Needing to be covered up again after getting up to use the bathroom.....

This has been my night so far, so I'm up.

Just as I start to doze off to sleep again, I hear my name again in the darkness...."Maaaahm. I need you...."

I finally got her settled in my bed and then thoughts start to creep in as I think about her.....What can I do better? How can I be a better mom to her?

I don't worry about where I've gone wrong, but yes, there's been plenty of that in our history. It is destructive to think that way. It makes me want to stop trying altogether.

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I figure so many parts of being a mom are like quitting smoking. You know, they say even if you've smoked for years, if you stop right now, there are still benefits to your health.

That's how it is with moms.

Let me explain.....There are things I've been lousy at lately. I will openly admit that. It's okay for me to admit that; it may even be healthy for me to do so, but to dwell on it and scrape up every little thing I'm doing wrong does nothing but bring me down. Not healthy. Discouraging.

What I do instead is look ahead. What can I do differently from here on out?

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I'm learning that the mother is the rock. I don't care what society says these days. It seems that we're at a point where everyone says that a mother and a father can do the same jobs equally well. I don't agree. Mothers have their jobs. Fathers have theirs. It's that way for a reason. Yes, there are situations where children only have one or the other, and in those situations there is no choice, but when there is a choice, to children, mothers are the rock.

I am setting the basis upon which my children can build their lives in their early years. I teach them the basics. I am their moral guide and teacher. I lay the foundation of their characters.

Think that what I do doesn't matter? Think I can be lazy and half-hearted in this job I've undertaken?.... Guess again.

image: whchurch.org

In the past few days, I've seen two examples of where, unintentionally, I've set a poor example for my children. I saw it on Sunday during church, and I cringed. As I saw it, I had no choice but to admit that it was my stubbornness and pride that taught my children that. I saw it again when, because I was verbal about my disagreement with how someone did something, my poor example made my son choose to be unforgiving of a person. In some ways, I have poisoned my children, and it is my job to set those things right and get myself and my children back on the right path.

I have heard said that it "takes a village to raise a child," and I get that, but if that foundation isn't set by someone in their lives, it will never be there. Ideally, that person is their mother.

image: myfrienddebbie.com

So, I'm up....thinking over this job I have. What do my children build on? What do I want them to have as their foundation? What are the guiding principles I believe they need? What are the things that I will stop everything else for to correct my children about? I think of respect, personal responsibility, and obedience. These are my tenets. These are the things I need to more actively and consistently teach them. These are the things that I need to continually keep in check in myself and in my children.

I will be honest, I haven't been doing a very good job. I've been lazy and let things slip through the cracks. I've been hoping that some magical lesson in life would teach them, but that's not happening. It really is my responsibility. I can't pass the buck. It belongs to me. But, knowing this and facing it,  I can now do better. Starting today. Just like quitting smoking, even at this point, there will be benefits.

I'm getting too old to be up like this, but I can't stop. That's not what motherhood's about. My commitment is to each of these little people that call me "Mom," or in the middle of the night, "Maaahm." My responsibility is to those who keep me up.

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Tantrum to Tranquility

image: flickr.com

I've shared the fact that one of my children has some anger management issues, right? Well....I believe we're finally on the right track. I thought maybe I wasn't giving him enough attention and in order to deal with his anger, I needed to give him more affection and love and patience. I did. All I got was a lot more anger from him. My heart was getting softer, his was getting harder. I didn't get it.

Like happens so often, a couple weeks ago, I had an a-ha moment. Clearly, what I was doing just wasn't helping. Again, we go back to this:

Thanks, Al!

What I was doing was showing forth a whole lotta love, but the logic was sorely missing. It just didn't

image: tumbler.com

make sense. I was being a doormat...a marshmallow. What I was teaching my son was that he was in charge.

What it all boiled down to was the fact that while I was stressing over him, I was getting nothing done. Things were falling into more and more disorganization. This just wasn't fair. He was sucking away my time AND my energy.

Enough was ENOUGH!

Confession, this morning was so tough that I went up to my room, threw myself onto my knees by my bed and told God that I was DONE. I had my little temper tantrum before the Lord and got back up. I will be honest, though, I was truly wondering how I was going to handle it all. 

As I walked back downstairs, I remembered something I'd used with kids in that past. Suddenly, I had a little trick up my sleeve (a strategy, if you will). I was in charge of the situation and that helped me to regather the peace required. I went at it all surprisingly calmly. 

I realized that I needed to return to the "energy suck" mentality because literally, that's what he was doing. I hadn't had to pull this card on any of my children in so long, I'd forgotten all about it. You know, the old "You're sucking away my energy, and the only way to refill it is to do some of the work I would be doing if I had more energy?" Yah, that one.

In other words, when this child freaks out, a job is required. You'd think this would make the anger worse, but as the jobs pile up, all I have to do is hold up fingers for how many jobs, and he cools right down. What I've really learned, though, is to never let him see me sweat. I have to be as calm and cool as can be, and sometimes, that's SUPER hard. 

The other thing I have discovered, though, is that I have to have some kind of goal to work toward--"These must be done before you can go to bed," "I'm making cookies this afternoon. If you'd like to join in, your jobs will have to be done," etc.

So far, so good. I think the added perk is that when he successfully finishes a job, he truly feels good about himself; thus reducing the anger even more.

It's been a rough morning this morning. We got all the way up to ten jobs, but I guess I should clarify....

It's been a rough morning...for him. For me, once I got off my knees, it's been pretty darned blissful.

Never did I think I'd thank my son for his anger issues, but man, they're really paying off. Life around here is quite a bit more peaceful and things are starting to really shape up.

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A Little Ugliness and a Whole Lotta Questions

image: momspark.net

Y'know, kids whose moms blog have a real disadvantage. Mom always has the last word, or...almost always. In my case, thankfully, my kids don't mind. I think it helps that in difficult circumstances, I don't use their names, just their situations.

My hope in sharing these things is that I can look back and see how far we've come. I also hope that other moms might learn to avoid some of the mistakes I make. I do need to state, however, that when things do finally go right, it's only because they've gone wrong in the past, and I've learned from that mistake. So thankful for do-overs.

image: shimanuts.blogspot.com

So, this takes us to this morning. For some reason, everybody was out of sorts this morning. Maybe it's because we've had some really amazingly beautiful weather for a couple weeks. We've gotten used to it. Then, at some point last week, as I looked at the cloudless blue, I verbally announced that I would be okay with a couple weeks of sun and then a day or two of rain, and what do you know? Voila! Rain. I'm not asserting here that I control the weather in any way, shape, or form, but just the fact that I was the one to say it, makes it that much easier to blame me for it. Yup. We're on day two now, and sadly, with the clouds, come the cloudy temperaments around here.

image: comicvine.com

Well, one of the older kids, sitting with one leg draped over a corner of the kitchen table, started out looking a bit bleary-eyed this morning as the rest of us prepared lunches and breakfasts. It was like it was just really difficult to wake up and get going, but as this child got going, the downward spiral began, and the more we spoke, the deeper the spiral became.

As I dropped this child off to school, I asked what I had done to deserve such ugly words, and it was announced, "I hate school." That was how we parted this morning.

image: leadingtheweigh.com

As I drove away from the school, my stomach was in knots, and I said a silent prayer that I'd just be able to keep going. That I'd get home and still be able to get something done....That I wouldn't allow the grumpy children in my home to take the wind out of my sails.

I got to moving, and I have to admit, I didn't have such a skip in my step as I've had for the past few days. It was tough to keep going. Soon, though, the chime rang as a text came in. I read it: "Mom, can we talk after school today?"

image: drsharma.com

This, in my mind, was a cry for help. I wasn't just going to let it go. I couldn't, so I started asking questions--first a yes/no question, then a multiple choice question, followed by an open-ended question.  Each time an answer was texted, the closer I got to the answer. I don't think this child wanted to answer some of my questions as the truth became more evident, but the answers were all greeted with yet another question--no accusing, no criticizing, no side-taking--just opportunities to reveal more of what the exact problem was.

I know well enough that putting my children into corners doesn't solve anything. It only puts us on opposite sides of an issue. When all is said and done, my job is to help them face the truth and then help them create solutions.

When all came to light, this child knew that I was on his/her side. The child knew that the answers had all been created by him/herself.

image: createsolutions.blogspot.com

On top of that, when all was finally revealed as much as it could be and decisions to improve were made, I was able to boldly ask for an apology, which I received. I also shared this little tidbit: "In the future, is it possible that all of that wasted energy could be used to create solutions?" It was agreed that this would be the focus in the future.

I was so glad or that first text and glad to know that I really wasn't the problem. As this child has returned home, things are much improved and the solutions are starting to take shape. There is a good chance that it is too late to completely solve this particular problem, but the great thing, as I look it, is the fact that this child faced his/her own problem by his/herself, created feasible options as solutions and is now taking charge and responsibility to past mistakes. All it took on my part was putting up with some rudeness and asking a lot of questions. Heck, if it was always this easy, I think I might be able to undertake this kind of thing every day.

image: blog.taxact.com

Even if it's not solved, as least the situation leads to learning that I'm hoping will last for a long time. I'm pretty sure this child never wants to go through this again. Grateful for life lessons learned and once again, so thankful for do-overs.

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General Conference (Saturday): My Notes

image: lds.org

Oh, how I LOVE General Conference. I have to admit that I'm seeking answers as I watch. I'm struggling with an important relationship in my life, and I'm looking for keys to resolving the issues that lie therein. I also have to admit that I view Conference through a mother's eyes. I'm always looking for ways to be better at this job I undertake again every morning and each day all day long.

image: lds.org

My favorite talk was by David A. Bednar from this afternoon's session. He hit it out of the park. After hearing him, the rest of the world should never doubt where members of the Church stand on some very sensitive topics. I wish everything was up and transcribed or viewable. I'd post it here if it was, but I'll just make it a point to do that when it is.

Here are some of the things in my notes (I didn't designate who said what because I just jotted down my impressions as they spoke)....

• You will not always be safe from the influence of the adversary; check your nestlings.
• There is power in the faithful prayer of a righteous mother.
• If I build on the sure foundation, I will not fall.
• PRAY! Council with the Lord in all my doings, and He will direct my paths.
• STUDY! The words of Christ will tell me all things what I should do.
• Hear and DO! The key to having a strong foundation is in the DOING.
• I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father.
• I am not alone.
• Mothers have the biggest influence on their children/in their home.
• Teach children about the power of the Atonement.
• Teach children to step out of the world and into the Kingdom of God.
• I must be the example of virtuous womanhood.
• I must love and honor my kids' father. What I do, they will imitate.
• Reinstate chastity. Be different.
• Put off the natural man to be sanctified.
• God wants us to overcome the world; therefore, He provides mercy. He allows for change over time.
• Don't judge. Treat others as they could be. Treat mistakes as temporary setbacks. Never condemn anyone. Allow them to change.
• If I draw near unto Him, He will draw near unto me. If I seek Him, I will find Him.
• satan seeks to destroy families. There is no way I'm going to let him have mine.
• Never give up on the goal of having peace.
• The Savior's peace can suffuse our souls and rid us of our hate.
• As individuals and families, we can attain peace.
• God is not the author of confusion but of peace.
• Be direct and stick to the basics.
• Lean not unto my own understanding.
• Bloom where you're planted.
• How we raise our children is much more important than where we raise our children.
• We are not spiritual orphans.

While we were watching, there were a number of things not related to Conference addresses that hit me briefly as well. These could very well be the first of many upcoming stepping stones on these topics.....

As we watched, two of our boys got into a bit of a tiff. The younger brother started to take off after the older brother. I stopped him with the words, "Focus here" as I pointed at the speaker. This hit me right after I said it. When other things are pulling at you that might not be for your own good, it's better to focus on those things that will improve your life. It's just a matter of self control.

With that same younger brother, someone said something that caused a reaction. After they said it, he responded just as everyone expected. From there, things typically escalate. I said to those who were preparing to join in, "Don't feed the beast." My family knows what that means--that we're not to play on his field. We need to change our interactions so that they are different from his--counteract meanness with kindness, etc. 

image: dreamstime.com

It kind of reminds me of the Native American story of the two wolves--Two Wolves Inside Me Movie. It seems to me that sometimes, maybe even most of the time, we respond in kind (not kindness). When someone is unkind to us, we respond with meanness. There is such power in changing the pattern of response.

The other thing that hit me was during the congregational hymn. Here are the words that stuck: "We will not retreat, though our numbers may be few when compared with the opposite host in view...." ("Let Us All Press On"). It seems that many times I write things that I know are going to be controversial. I hesitate to publish them because I don't want to raise contention. It became clear, as we sung this hymn that we're supposed to be different, and it's okay to state those differences. If not, what good are those differences.

Elder Bednar's talk supported that view. Let there be no doubt where we stand. We are different. Those who try to follow God always have been.

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Defusing Anger with Kindness

I believe I've mentioned before that Sweetie will sometimes get angry, and it has nothing to do with red dye. The red dye anger goes FAR beyond just being angry. It's aggressive and violent. His usual anger is aggressive, but it is calm-able. Red dye anger escalates out of control. There is no calming it. Sweetie has to let it run its course. At least, that's the point we're at now. Trying to flush it through his system by having him drink a bunch of water may have helped a bit last time, but I can't be sure. We've only tried that once; although, it did seem to shorten the duration of the problem.

When Sweetie is angry, red dye or not, instead of making things better, things are always taken to a worse place. For example, if I ask Sweetie not to do something and he gets mad about it, Sweetie will slam a cupboard or throw something. When I try to correct that behavior, Sweetie'll do something similar again. This will continue each time I try to deal with it.

Sweetie eventually ends up being moved to his bedroom or the backyard.

image: occupycorporatism.com

This morning, it was the backyard. I kept waiting for the police to show up at my door. Seriously, he was freaking out. Wish someone would put me out back sometime and tell me to stay there until I feel like coming in. It's the strangest thing. I walk him to the door and open it. Sweetie starts yelling. I say, "Please go jump on the trampoline and get some of that angry energy out there. Come back in when you're feeling less angry."

Within moments, the back door is being beaten on with whatever can be found. Thank goodness we have super good windows. Sweetie throws things and just really storms.

image: stokeelitetc.com

On a regular day, he'll take himself out there and jump to his heart's content, but when he's forced to against his will, it's like he's been put in a torture chamber. Isn't that just like human nature?

This morning, though, I think I finally found something that just might work in these situations.

image: jartheground.com

Each time Sweetie beat on the door or threw something, I told him he had a kind act to perform before he could come back in. He eventually caught on that the more he beat on the door, the worse things became for him. Sweetie built himself up to nine kind acts this morning. You could almost see the wheels in his brain switching gears. He had to start thinking of how to improve things instead of tearing them down. The great thing was that when he came in, my yard looked great!

I'm grateful for neighbors who trust that I'm still an okay mom even if my son is screaming, "Mom! Let me in!" in the backyard. I promise I'm not beating him. I just need to remove the angry child before someone gets hurt.

I'm doubting this tactic will work with Sweetie on red dye. I'm still trying to figure that one out. For now, he's doing fabulously in turning away from the things he knows he can't have....Thankfully.