A New Collection

#3 left for her choir Disneyland trip early this morning. The last thing she needed to collect before leaving was some money for food and mementos. Both my husband and I told her not to buy us anything.

In jest, I asked her to pick me up a napkin and straw from every restaurant where she eats while in California.

Well….it expanded from there….She has agreed to write where she was, who she was with, and what she ate on each napkin.

Silly, but I'm really looking forward to what she brings home on Tuesday…


Gotta confess....If I found a cookie wrapped up in one, I wouldn't be disappointed.

I'm Running Away

Don't try to stop me!

The Warden has some kind of educational thingy up in Seattle, and I get to go along. It won't be a long trip, but it'll just be me and my man. Yippeee!!!

Oh, and my parents by marriage need to borrow our big van to move some things, so guess what we'll have to trade them for?....

Umm....This:

Okay, sheer honesty?

I'm scared

TO DEATH!

There...I said it.

We Interrupt This Previously Scheduled Life....

Do you ever feel like you're failing at life? Well, yep. That's where I am right now. I'm failing.

It finally all came to a head this afternoon. I completely melted down as I faced the fact that there are very few, if any, areas of life in which I feel like I'm succeeding. You name it, I'm screwing it up.

image: mirror.co.uk

I called the Warden at work and vented and cried and vented and cried some more. Oh, and then I cried. Poor guy. He doesn't have a clue what to do with me when I'm an emotional wreck, but thankfully, this doesn't happen very often. Really, it doesn't. He offered to come home, but I begged him not to knowing that that would only make me feel worse.

image: angleofreflection.wordpress.com

So, what is my tendency? To have myself a good old-fashioned pity party. Only this meltdown was so extreme that I decided to run away. I had to. I needed to clear my head. I needed to get back into balance.

I didn't run away for permanent--just a night. I informed each family member, one at a time, what was going on. I received each person's approval. They were all very sweet about it. #3 was especially supportive. She is tackling the tilapia recipe in the crockpot tonight--"Oh yah, easy. I can do that." Man, I love that girl!

image:insiderpages.com

I went on Priceline and bid on a room. I got one super cheap just up the freeway.

As the afternoon went on, I started to understand what the straw was that broke the camel's back. I've been working on a 300-page document--editing and rewriting for the past number of months. The guy hired me at a project price. If you're a writer, NEVER do this. ALWAYS charge by the number of words or pages or hourly but NEVER by the project. You'll rip yourself off EVERY time. I was warned by a number of friends, but I ignored them. I wanted to take this project on. I felt it was important. This is the lesson I've learned. The Warden and I figured out that I'm lucky if I'm making a dollar an hour at this point.

image: tumblr.com

To be honest, the Warden asked me months ago why I didn't just quit the project. I don't know why. I guess I felt that I had started it, so I needed to finish it. This was a frequent conversation with my dad when I was a kid. I remember him directing me to this at one point. It has stuck with me. I want to be a finisher. If I've committed to it, I want to complete it.

Do I need to say that I've come to really resent this project? I have seriously spent HOURS on it, and in short, I hate it because I know I'm being undervalued.

So, I said that I'd have it turned in by January 31st. I haven't touched it since before Christmas. It's due tomorrow, and I have to get it done. The basic edit is done and has been for a couple months. I'm just working on beautifying it at this point. I don't want to turn in a shabby piece of work.

I opened the document this afternoon and instantly melted down. It demeans me. It makes me feel worthless. Isn't that sad? I really love to write. I love to write here, and I don't make a red cent here, so why should I be so hung up about writing something as important as that and how much I'm not making by doing it? I guess it's because it was agreed that I'd be paid to do it. I have been paid, but just not enough to justify the work I've done.

So, there you have it....I haven't run away to spoil myself or pamper myself or anything like that. I'm off on my own to free myself from a large burden. I feel ashamed of myself for being so hung up on the almighty dollar. I feel that this project has held me back from being the kind of mom I've wanted to be for nearly a year. I have traded many hours I could have spent with my children for absolutely nothing--just to be a finisher, but they're really the things I want to "finish." I want to polish them and remove the creases and dents by teaching them how to improve themselves, but my time has been spent elsewhere. I look forward to being free to spend time with the things I value most.

My other job allows for this, and I'm so thankful to have that. The gentleman I work for treats me very well and values my work. He even sent me a bonus at the end of the year. I was so excited! How wonderful to be valued.

Tonight, when I'm done writing (who knows what time that will be), I will spend time getting back into some degree of order--attempting to find what is most important and making a plan to strike a balance in life again. I'm looking forward to that. That will be my reward for finishing.

As of tonight (or very early tomorrow morning), I will be free again. I will be free to succeed again at the things I choose to do with my life. Lesson learned. Never will I make that sacrifice again.

For Me

I thought I'd pull from the topics my friends gave me for today's post:  How often I plan something for myself, and how I pull it off.

It seems, when we have little children, we tend to spend so much time with them and doing for them that we forget who we are.  We put ourselves way down on our own priority lists.  We think we're making sacrifices for them that will someday pay off, but I don't agree with this viewpoint.  I believe in the old saying about the pitcher.  We all have a pitcher and all day long, everyday, that pitcher is used to fill others' pitchers, but if we let our own pitchers become empty, with what will fill the pitchers of others?  Along with that, what are we teaching our children?  What example are we setting?  I believe that we're basically teaching them that we're not important.

I've decided that much of what is considered "something for myself" is a matter of how I view the things that I do.  Since this is the case, I do something for myself everyday.  It's important to know what makes us feel happy and fulfilled.  Some of the things I do are take a bath, read, blog, take a nap, play sudoku, scrapbook, take a long walk or drive, and crochet.  Some of these things are easier to do than others.

One thing I need to do better is spend time with friends.  I love that I have friends who plan girls nights.

I think the key to doing these kinds of things is to either have a very supportive husband or a very close friend who's willing to watch kids so you can get away once in awhile.  In either case, a huge part of the deal is that you'll be willing to watch that friend's children so she can get away once in awhile too.

Another thought is to find a class for your child(ren) at your local parks and rec and have a little time to yourself during that time.  Even just to sit and sip something without children underfoot is fairly heavenly.

I feel strongly that a weekly date with my husband is vital.  One year, I made up a list of 52 dates and then scheduled them into the calendar.  I found many of the ideas online. That was such a fun year.  Each week I'd look forward to what was on the calendar and would surprise the Warden with what I'd planned.  We didn't sit around staring at each other on Friday nights and then just decide to go out and eat.  We tried out different sites in the area and got to act like kids again.

I also believe in getting away with him a couple times a year even if just for an overnighter.  Having older kids is great for this, but again, supportive friends were wonderful when we had little ones.

Someday, the kids'll be gone.  I'm grateful for wise women who have shared the truth that it's important to nurture oneself and one's relationship with one's husband.  I know that someday the only people left in this house will be me and him.  It's good now to keep our relationships with ourselves and our spouses alive and vital so that we don't have to start all over again after so many years.  In doing so, we also teach our children to do the same for themselves.

So, the tests are done.

Here's how it all went down....

It was true that I could take an 8.5" x 11" piece of paper with notes written on one side with me to the test, so I worked my tail off getting notes together.  What I ended up with was a page of paper in 5pt. font and justified .25"  margins all the way around.  Each sentence fed into the next.  It was HILARIOUS!  When the proctor saw me walk in with it, she asked me if I needed a magnifying glass because she had one in her desk she was happy to lend to me.  I refused it and felt grateful to have relatively good eyes close up still.

The Warden and I packed our things, and he drove me to the testing center.  He sat and waited.  I took the careers test first--20 questions.  I was done in 15 minutes.  I walked back out and got the personal finance test. 

Usually, in the course syllabus, it states how many questions and what kind of questions will appear in the final.  This class did not.  I went in blind--no quizzes or midterms to preface this final.  I hadn't a clue what to expect.

It ended up being 33 questions--all multiple choice.  I'm sure I got a number of them correct but the last number of them were TOUGH!  I'm thankful that I scored well on the term project, so I'm hoping I end up with about a B.

I walked out just glad it was over.

Funny thing was that the testing center was closing for good that night.  My need for using it was over as well, so that worked out nicely.

The testing center is located near a station for the light rail train system.  The Warden and I would be staying at the Marriott Hotel downtown that night for our get-away, so when I got done with the tests, we walked out, got our bags out of the car, bought tickets and boarded the train to head downtown.

We checked in and headed down the street to the Saucebox for dinner.  We had potstickers, egg rolls, salad rolls and Korean ribs.  We spent the rest of the evening just talking and hanging out.  It was so nice.

The next morning, I woke at 5:40.  What is up with 5:40?!  I wake at that same time EVERY morning.  Who needs an alarm clock?  I was able to eventually fall back asleep and slept until 7:30.

We eventually packed up and boarded the train again.  We went to breakfast, did a bit of last minute Christmas shopping and headed home.

It was an ideal way to finish off the stressful class.  Glad to have it all done.  So nice of the Warden to set this all up.  So great to have some time just with him!

At this point, I have one final class to take.  It's a matter of writing a summary paper (and a few other things) to conclude by BYU education.  While we were gone, I tried to look it up to see how much the course would cost, but it wasn't listed in the catalog.  Could it be that they're not offering it any more?  I would absolutely love it if they were to say that I'm all done.  What are the chances?  We'll see when I call them tomorrow (they're closed today).