The Paranoid Parent of Teenagers

3:15, the dog wakes me up. What’s her deal? She pees all the time lately. She’s getting to be an old dog, I guess. Wow! That was fast!

I get up to let her out because that’s what I do. That’s why I exist…to her. I am the one who will respond and always have, so no one else has had to. No one else is in practice for this kind of work—just me.

Okay, so here’s the problem. It’s now 4:03am. Nearly an hour I’ve been laying here. First, I climb back into bed with complete hope that I will be able to just dose back off….Then my feet start to itch. I’m talking full on itchiness. I try to ignore them. Sometimes this works and the itchiness goes away. Well, it does…kind of. There are other times that I give in and scratch them, and I scratch them and I scratch them, and somehow, that satisfies things so I can go back to sleep.

No sleep. I realize that when I went down to let the dog out, just as my feet hit the bottom stair, that a
door downstairs banged against the door frame—as if someone had pushed against it. Uh oh! Is someone in the house? Add to that the fact that as I go to check it out, I see a light on under the door to the garage. Has someone gone in or out during the night?

And so it begins….The mom worries. Ugh! Totally FORGET sleep. I’m so done!

My brain starts creating possibilities….If I were a teenager, what would I do? If I were a teenager who really had no understanding of a parents worries, what would I try to get away with?

Seriously serious situations enter my brain. The door bangs again—3, 4, 5 times. Okay, that’s it! There is no pattern to the banging, and it really is just one bang and then nothing and then another bang a few minutes later. Is there a window open because someone’s gone out of it? Is someone paying someone a midnight visit? What is going on?

Well, let’s just say I’m grateful for the flashlight app I downloaded on my phone, but I’m cursing the creaking stairs. Ugh! Darned old house. A dead give away for sure. They’ll hear me coming and quickly act like they’re sleeping…..At least that’s what I would have done at their age.

Yup. I know it all. I was one once. Loved my parents dearly, but y’know, a kid’s gotta be a kid—but not on my watch. Why do I think it’ll be any different for me than it was for my parents? Well, that’s exactly it!.... I don’t.

That’s why I’m up.

Just for the record....Everyone was in bed. No windows or doors were open, but my imagination still was and the door continues to bang.

Happy 5:30!

Ten Random Minutes: The Most Important Trait to Teach

School has been canceled because of snow. It's 7:20 in the morning, everyone but one boy, reading in his bed, is still sleeping. I have been awake since 5am. Husband seems to be ill, so even though it's a day off for everyone else, life remains the same; although, maybe a wee bit more complicated--taking care of a sick husband while trying to keep the noise level down with six extra people in the house--for me.

I want to stray from the specific missionary-related topics I've been writing on lately. The next bunch of things I have to write about are tricky. They are important and a bit sensitive, so I'm not quite sure how to get them down in writing.

I guess, for today, I just want to write about randomness (I have no clue where this is going to go)….


I have learned over the past few years just how vitally important my role is. I am the queen bee. I am the line drawer. If something's going to happen around here, I'm the instigator, the planner, the scheduler, the follow-through-er. I am it.

Some may say, where's your husband in all of this? But let's be real. He has his own world at work. That's where he's in charge. It's there that he has to instigate, plan, schedule, etc. He doesn't do that in both places. He shouldn't have to, and he's not here most of the time….I am. I have the full picture of just how our home runs.

I have been learning the importance of obedience, and not just obedience, quick and exact obedience. These are values I learned from childhood, but I don't believe my parents required them as much as I do from my own children, and lately, I'll admit, I've been slacking….BIG TIME!

I learned how very vital obedience is on my mission. This is one thing I appreciate #1's Mission President for. He is very much like my mission presidents. Obedience is job one. Once I learned, hearing from other missionary parents, that he was all about missionaries being obedient, I was able to relax and enjoy the ride. I knew my daughter was in the right place under the right leadership. I knew she'd be safe and that she'd learn life's important lessons.

As a parent, I figure my role is to show my kids just a glimpse of what God might be like. Not that I'm their god, but my character traits should be so close to His in justice, mercy, kindness, generosity, consistency, etc.--inasmuch as a human being can muster these characteristics--that they come to know Him by interacting with me. I figure my example is CRUCIAL to how they learn to trust and how they grow to be moral people.

One thing I want for my children is what #1 is now experiencing day-to-day. She's learning, in real time, to trust God. She is learning to listen with her whole heart. She is learning to obey the voices that she hears as they strike her mind and her heart at the same time. She is also learning from her mistakes as she, at times, ignores some of those whisperings she receives. This, to me, is one reason why I want my children to choose to serve missions. This is why I think it's so important.

For now, in my home, they learn to obey me in preparation to learning to obey God. Like I said before, I sometimes slack on my job. I have noticed that the words, "Yah, I'll get to it" and "Just a minute" and sometimes, heaven forbid, even outright "No" are used increasingly around this house. I am learning, the hard way, that this cannot be. I need to rally my troops and bring them back to where they need to be.

I figure our home is their training ground. I realize that if they can learn to say, "Okay, Mom" and "I'm on it" and "Coming" now, while they're in my home, the greater the chance is that, when they're out on their own, they'll be able to say "Yes" and "Here I am" when they are called and sent forward by a greater power….Not just on their missions but in life in general.

This is what I desire for my children. This is what I want for their futures--that they might recognize the voice of God and learn to follow it obediently throughout their lives.


Now, to take care of the sickie and hold down the din. Off to send some kids out to the snow….and off to figure out just how to write these upcoming posts…..

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The Trap I Fall Into

There are certain things that just make life go so much smoother. I know this, but over and over again I fall into the same trap and try to ignore these things. Part of me doesn't want them to be true, but it's just a fact, they are.

One such thing is getting up before the kids are awake in the morning.

So, I'm up.

I'm done (at least for today--babysteps, right?) with being the sloth that lies in bed and waits for the kids to wake me.

image: teachingstars.com

At this point, my half of the bed is made. I'm off to get dressed, take care of my personal grooming, and get as many ducks in a row as I can before the kids (and husband) are moving about.

Now, the trick to not getting discouraged….Don't count on too many ducks. Be grateful that even one duck is lined up if that's all there's time for.

image: doctorscrossing.com

I'm off and running…..Wish me luck!

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Getting It All Figured Out....Again

This blog has kind of turned into my daughter's mission blog. I haven't intended for that to happen, but I'm trying very hard to control my computer time during the day. This makes it hard to blog as often as I'd like to. I have so many things I want to write about and will soon. Life just needs to even out a bit. I have kids who need their mom's help with homework in the afternoons, so that's taking a lot of my time. I have to push other tasks into what used to be blogging time. Once we get it all into a good pattern, I'll be back writing more.

Thank you for your patience!

A Mama. A Mommy. A Mom. A Mother.

I am a mom and am becoming a mother, but I need to work on still being a mommy. My mama days are over. I have done my midnight feedings, changed ooooodles (emphasis on the ooo) of diapers, and done the strollers, the cribs, and everything that comes with infants. I am pleased and feel blessed to have experienced this seven times over. Wow! What a life!

As life has moved on, so have I. I believe I am best suited to being a mom. I am good at teenage problems. I love to talk to my adolscent-aged kids. I like their friends, and I like what they do and how they do it. I love their independence and their ability to solve problems. At this age, I appreciate the fact that, for the most part, they want me around and don't necessarily need me.

I'm finding what I struggle with, though, is being a mommy.

When you have a household that runs the gamut of motherhood, transitioning from
one level of mothering to another is quite a challenge. You've enjoyed most of the things of that last season so much, but as that season ends, you find yourself ready to leave all of that behind and move onto the next phase and all that comes with it.

The first thought on my brain this morning, as I woke up, was the fact that my littlest children need a mommy. They need someone who will take them by the hand and walk them to the park. Sometimes, they might even need a push or two on the swing.

This is where I struggle. I somehow want to lump them all together and have them all be as self-sufficient as my teenagers, but we all know that that's silly. These little ones need someone to walk them to school. They need someone to be up early to get them breakfast. The oldest, however, need someone at the cross-roads. They need a mom who's there for them when they walk in from school. They need someone who's up so they can talk to them after a date.

Some days I feel like I must be everything to everyone. Some days this is overwhelming. But, when I stand back and look at life and where we've come so far, I can see SO clearly that my time of being mama, mommy, and mom is so very short.

Here I am turning into mother. Mother is allowed to spend time alone. She can even shower any time she wants to without someone knocking on the door. She has to find excuses to read picture books and then she sneaks away in the back corner of the library to do so. Mother is different. I'm not sure I'm ready for being mother. Mother sends packages to far-away lands to those who once called her mama. She worries about new and different things....Things she never even imagined as she administered all those doses of children's medicine to feverish little ones all those years ago or as she took photos of them getting off the bus on their first day of Kindergarten.

I feel blessed to still be mommy and mom as I turn into mother. I'm grateful for this gentle transition. I look back and feel the glee in my heart that diapers are no longer part of my life. I look back with fondness on trips to the park, the fountain, the library for my older kids' enrichment, but I am grateful to still have those trips. I just need to learn to discipline myself and keep squeezing these things in between Eagle projects and trips to the DMV. I am happy that I am allowed the chance to ease my way into this last and longest lasting role of motherhood. I fear that this role will be my biggest challenge.

I wonder now....if I'd known, if I'd been able to see just what this was going to be all about....Would I have done things differently?

As I woke this morning, I realized that my littlest kids still need a mommy. In many ways, because I love the mom role so much, I find myself rushing....Rushing to get past the diapers and the strollers and all that comes from mama-hood and now rushing to get in and through mommy-hood.

This morning, upon awaking, it was as though there was a stop sign placed in my way....A chance to pause for a few moments and look at what I'm rushing past....A warning to not wish it all away. As the role of mommy comes on so strongly for these little ones of mine, I feel the urgency this morning, that I can't push that away. It is mine to embrace. It is mine to do everything with that I can. It's mine to bless their lives with.

So, for now, I get up early. I get myself ready, so that I can help them

with their needs. This, right now, is my reason for life. This is my obligation, but this is my joy. Someday it will be gone, and I will be nothing but "mother." When that day comes, and my children are the mamas and dadas, the mommys and daddys, the moms and dads, will I be able to look back on my own life in those roles and feel that I set the best example I could? Will I feel that I taught them how to fit these roles well?

That must be my focus today while I am still a mommy and a mom.

Just Call Me "Mom"

image: Julia Shinkle Photography

There was one thing that #1 always did that just made me laugh....Although, she never knew. I was afraid if I told her, she'd stop, and I didn't want her to stop. I liked it.

When #1 would talk to her friends about me, she never used the word "my." It was never, "My mom'll take us to the dance." It was, "Mom'll take us to the dance." Or, "Let me ask Mom." Or, "Mom's on her way."

I felt like I was everybody's mom. I loved that. What better job is there than to be Mom?

image: Julia Shinkle Photography

The Hazard of Hess - part 2

Naming babies can be so fun. My husband has a very unique name. I was one of five Julie's in my Kindergarten class. So, when the time came to choose names for our children, we decided to stick with names that not every kid in the class was going to have.

One tricky thing about unusual names is that once you've named two children, you are then committed. You HAVE to name them all something different.

We have one child with a very common name. I have to admit I really dislike the idea of taking a normal name, and giving it a wacky spelling in order to make it unique. I don't like it, but I'm guilty of it. Our #5 has always had at least one other boy in his class with the same name, but we have yet to find one spelled the same way.

The truth is, though, that I'm very glad he has the name he has and not the one the Warden tried to get away with.

Here's the story.....

Back when I was pregnant with #5, we were plumb out of names. We had struggled even with a name for #3, and knowing this was a boy and we already had two boys, we were really working hard to find just the right moniker for this little one.

At that time, the Warden included the teachers at the school where he was working to help come up with a name. For some reason, this became a really fun thing....once someone figured out all you could do with the name "Hess."

Unlike Michael Jackson, we could never use the name "Prince" for even one of our boys because he would quickly be feminized--Prince Hess (Princess), you get it, right?

Oh, after this, they had a BALL!

Some of my favorites were "obsequi," "carol,""dungeon,""blamel." You get the idea. Add "Hess" to the end of any one of these, and this child takes on a whole new meaning. The Warden's favorite was always "X." Although, his mother had always threatened that she would have twins and name them "Melluva" and "Meckuva." 'Nuf said.

So, the story continues.....

I was induced with each pregnancy, and although #5 was a special case, it was no different. We drove out to the hospital early in the morning. It was still dark outside. Because we weren't at our local hospital, our doctor had arranged for one of his associates who works closer to the hospital we were delivering at (I say that as if "we" were delivering. Haha! Yah, right!) to be there to begin the induction.

She showed up, and we were off and running. Things went very smoothly, and a few hours later, our doctor arrived to deliver, and we had a healthy, wonderful baby boy.

After the excitement was over, the Warden left to go get something to eat. On his way back up to the room, he happened across the doctor who started the induction. She was already on the elevator and headed up to see her patients....and me.

She asked, "So, do we have a baby?" to which the Warden replied, "Yes, everything went great."

She continued, "Girl or boy?" He told her we'd had a boy.

The next obvious question: "What did you name him?"

The Warden's response: "Sucks."

The doctor, without batting an eye, replied, "Oh, that's a nice name."

REALLY! But, what would you expect her to say. I'm betting she hears all kinds of things in her line of work.

The Warden came in just a few moments after this conversation practically rolling. He was laughing so hard. He couldn't wait to share what had just occurred in the elevator.

Within about five minutes, the doctor walked into my room. We razzed her a bit as I said, "You fell for that?"

She laughed with us for a long time as the Warden explained that we had great hopes for this boy. How could you lose with a name like "Sucks Hess?"

What I Learned from Silent "L"

When I was a child, I remember learning how to read. I recall the word "would" showing up on the page. I was a good reader, but it took me FOREVER to learn that word.

As we read in class, I remember my turn to read would come up. Without fail, as I'd hit that word, someone would blurt it out so that I wouldn't have to struggle with sounding it out and take valuable time stumbling over that silent "l." Over and over this happened.

Then, one day, I was sitting at home reading silently to myself. Suddenly, there was a word that held me up. It wasn't a long word, and I knew every letter in it, but I sat there and struggled. I tried to sound it out. I recall slowly sounding each letter out--W-O-U-L-D. I said it out loud, "Would." What word was that? I had never heard a word like that before. I had to have been reading it wrong.

Finally, I figured out that the words around it might help me figure it out. Sure enough. That word was "would!" Pronounced "wood." Got it! It clicked. From that point on, whenever I saw "W-O-U-L-D," I knew that it was pronounced "wood." I never struggled with it again.

You might ask why this is so significant to me now. Why would I even remember something so simple as this? Here is why.....And yes, my explanation will require another little story....

When #1 was about seven, I signed her up for swimming lessons. As she came out of the locker room and headed to the pool, with panic on her face, she shared that she had forgotten her towel.

My first instinct was to tell her to go ahead and go to her lesson. I'd run home and get her towel. I'd be back just in time for the end of the lesson. Something stopped me...."Would" stopped me.

I thought through the scenario....If I "read over it" for her, would she ever learn to "read" it?

Instead of grabbing my car keys and making a run for the parking lot, I chose otherwise. I told her how sad I was that she'd forgotten it, and I wasn't lying. I really WAS sorry. I went and grabbed my seat in the stands and proudly watched my daughter learn a new skill.

At the end of the lesson, #1 came shivering from the pool. She scurried, because "no running" allowed, to the locker room, showered, and clumsily pulled her clothes onto her wet body. Was I sad for her? You'd better believe it. Did I feel guilty because I could have solved her problem? Oh, yes, but again, "would" stopped me.

Sometimes (dare I say often?), teaching our children is painful. Sometimes, just because we are the grown ups and have been there, done that, and have the means to rescue them and thus relieve them (and ourselves) from any amount of discomfort, we feel that that's our duty. 

I was pretty sure that after that, #1"would" never forget her towel again. She had been allowed to have the full experience of "sounding it out" herself. 

Actually, the next week, as we walked through the door to the pool, #1 smiling, proudly, pulled her towel from her bag: "Look, Mom. I brought my towel." I never had to remind her about her towel again. That doesn't mean I didn't have to remind her about other things, but I guess shivering wasn't her idea of a good time, so the towel thing was covered.

I would propose that it is more important for us to use those feelings to react compassionately toward our children. It's in the allowing them to have the full experience. That the true learning takes place.

So, why do these stories pop into my head this morning? Well, as we were heading out the door to school this morning, one of my children started to walk out the front door without shoes or socks on. I noticed, but I said nothing. I knew that within a few steps out onto the deck, he'd figure it out and run back in, but before that experience could teach the lesson, his older brother called out, "SHOES!"

DARN! I guess that lesson will be reserved for another occasion. I "would" think there will be one.

Sadly, though, I do need to add an obvious note here: 

If a child is in mortal danger, for heaven's sake, rescue him/her (Did I really need to add that?). If it is a situation in which the child really can't fix it him/herself (for example, my daughter taking care of her fraud situation while she was heading to the MTC), you will have to step in and take care of things. 

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What I'm Learning About Cheerfulness

I believe I wrote in my gratitude post this morning that I've been struggling lately. But seriously, what would life be without struggles, right? Anyway, I took a different stance this morning. I got up and felt the same as I have for days. I decided to pray about the specific things that are concerning me--yet again. There have been no answers lately, but when I got up off my knees, I decided that maybe I needed to keep better track, so this post is a compilation of today's thoughts and lessons. These are the impressions that popped into my mind and heart as I went about today's work.

Looking back now, I'm surprised at just how many answers there were.

I kept my laptop on the counter in the kitchen as I did the dishes and made pancakes for breakfast. As I did something that made me happier, I jotted it down quickly and then got back to work.

The things listed here are what occurred prior to 2:00 this afternoon. After that time, I decided to run the kids to the park and let them run through the fountain. I guess we could add run around and do fun stuff  to the list, but life got to bustling after that, so here's my list of cheerfulness:


A little lesson for myself.....

• Music matters. Something peppy--sing along and sing loud. Dancing's even better.



image: vinylartsa.com

• I decide the weather. It doesn't matter what my situation, but in my home, it is of particular importance. You know the old saying, "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." Well, that's true. The converse is also true. If momma's happy, everyone's happy.

image: wobm.com

“I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate.It is my daily mood that makes the weather. I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration, I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated, and a person is humanized or de-humanized. If we treat people as they are, we make them worse. If we treat people as they ought to be, we help them become what they are capable of becoming” (Haim G. Ginott).

• Appearance matters. Wear something that makes you look good. Today, I wore a blouse and my happy green sweater with the white polka dots. I put my hair up and now I'm in search of some happy earrings.
• Have a routine.
• Pray--on your knees out loud.
• Pray more--in your heart ALL the time. Any time you speak with someone, pray in your heart right before.
• Don't get sucked in. Stick with your routine. Don't get caught up on the small stuff--like finding those happy earrings. If you can't find them, put on a glittery necklace or bracelet and call it all good. Now, on the other hand, if a child wakes up or one leaves the house, leave what you're doing to be there to greet or send him/her off.
• Tell yourself "It's good."
• Keep counting your blessings. When you see something good, cling to it.
• No excuses. Recognize those excuses and rationalizations for what they are.
• Insist that the kids help out. If they've left a mess and you know who left the mess, make sure they clean it up.
• Don't get overwhelmed. Use a timer.
• Don't fall into the habit of yelling across the house for any reason (unless the house is on fire, of course).
• Don't EVER let them see you sweat. NEVER raise your voice. Keep calm and give logical choices.
• Have a list. Prioritize. First things first.
• Know when too much is too much. Don't be afraid to ask for help or delegate.
• Let them handle their own problems, but again, pray.
• Low tones.
• Enlist the energy drain mentality.
• NEVER let a tender mercy pass you by--like those happy earrings that just showed up, literally,

  

  See 'em? Thanks, Gayla!

  on my doorstep. Recognize every little blessing for what it is and give thanks for it.
• Clean as you go. If you make the mess, clean up the mess, no matter how small.
• Surround yourself with happy people and happy things. Don't seek out icky things--I find myself looking at pictures of Ariel Castro's house. STOP!
• Don't return to your bedroom during the day--except to use the bathroom because who wants to use a bathroom where the kids have been? Wow, am I snobbish or what?
• Be nice to yourself. Give yourself a break every once in awhile. But remember, breaks are like dessert, not the main course.
• Be in control--stop something you like doing just to prove to yourself that you can--control the situation.
• Feed your spirit.
• Sing through the jobs you hate--sing even when, and especially when, you don't feel like it.
• Listen to lots of Taylor Swift and as you do so, be SO grateful that the dating days are long gone and that you got the guy you did. Phew!
• Wear an apron to cover those cute clothes--you don't want to have to change.
• Look at everyone who talks to you. Restate what they say to let them know that you're really listening and for clarification.
• Lower your voice. Do the opposite of what your urge is.
• Enforce respect--have little people clean up after themselves, help them/remind them to look into your face when they talk to you.

Inspirational messages of the day:

• "Courage is fear that prayed." --Thanks, Julia!

  

  image: tumblr.com

• "This is a time of faith, not fear" (Ensign magazine)
• "Be not afraid, only believe" (Mark 5:36)
• "Faith, to be faith, must walk to the edge of the light, and then a few steps into the darkness" (Boyd K. Packer)
• "Look up" (Thomas S. Monson)
• "God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face" (Jeffrey R. Holland)
• "Rapids are a part of our journey." They're the best part of the trip and add a sense of

  

  image: movingforward.net

  accomplishment and exhilaration.
• "Answers to prayer and the solutions to our problems generally come as we begin to act, not while we are on our knees praying."
• "There is nothing in this world that can defeat us."

image: fanpop.com

In short, this list is a lesson to me that answers come continually in many ways. If I seek for them, they will be found. And if, next time, I'm not looking in the right places, I can always come back here.

Conspicuously Quiet

I am being quiet on purpose. If I were to write what was in my heart right now, I'm afraid all of my worries'd come spilling out and nobody wants to hear those, so I'm choosing to be quiet.

Butterflies....Sunshine....

image: anniebanks.com

There you go.


Really, it's more like....

Sunscreen...Clean water/hydration....


#1 is a responsible, smart kid. She's got some good street smarts in her. She's also a big girl who can take care of herself. Of my children, she's probably the one I should worry the least about. So, I will.

Sent her a package the other day--feminine hygiene products, two deodorants, and a toothbrush. The cost?....$57 to send via United States Postal Service. Yeehaw!

image: truthgalore.com

I know there's got to be a better alternative. At this rate, #1'll have a virtual birthday this year. We'll stockpile her gifts here and take photos of them to send to her so she knows what she'll have waiting for her when she gets home. You know I'm kidding, but for sure, I'm on the hunt for a better/more economical way to ship things overseas.

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Two Bads, Three Goods

image: mastermewmedia.com

In an attempt to get my children to open up more and to become more involved in my children's lives, I often ask them to share two bad things and three good things that happened during their day. I make sure that the good things outnumber the bad and that we end on the good, so we can leave the conversation with the positive experiences freshest on their minds.

The other day, I thought that maybe, on those days when I really don't have anything too exciting to write about or I don't think I have the energy that I feel I need to write (which seems to be the case more often than I'd like to admit lately), that I should just share my two bads and three goods with you.

So, here are today's bads and goods.

Bad:

image: imageafter.com

• One of my children is making my life a real struggle. It's actually been going on for quite some time. I am attempting to find the answer to this problem. The thing that I'm learning is that it's up to me. I can do nothing to change this child, but I can alter my actions and responses. That is all, and then hope that the patterns of interaction, on both our parts, will change for the better. We have a downward spiral going on--the bad leads to worse--and I know that it's up to me to be the one that's strong enough to fight the tide and reverse the spiral. This problem now is how?
• One of my children has a HUGE problem with obedience right now. With the other child's on-going issues, this, I'm finding, must be handled at the same time. TRICKY!

Good:

• I went to help at a friend's wedding reception this evening. Everything was so beautifully done. I loved that #3 was there working beside me. It was great to be in the company of the wonderful women who were doing all of this work. With the problems going on, as listed in my first "bad" bullet-point, I'm finding that I don't have the energy or desire to be with anyone, so it's been awhile since I've allowed myself to be in this kind of situation. It was very refreshing.
• Went shopping with #4 to get things he needed for scout camp this coming week. I also purchased some things for Portland-to-Coast.



image: amazon.com

• Took #7 to a toy research study. She watched some things on a computer screen and had to answer some questions. When all was said and done, they sent her home with a big Polly Pocket set. It was so fun to spend time just with her. She suddenly seems so grown up to me.

I'm sorry, but I HAVE to add a fourth good thing. The BEST thing about Saturdays.

We received an email from #1. I posted it here already, but she'll be moving on to the Philippines in two weeks. Very exciting! 

From what I just read this evening, they're starting to send missionaries called to the Philippines (at least some of them) to the MTC in the Philippines. I think that's great, but I have been happy to have #1 in the U.S. for just this little bit longer.

There you have it, the bads and the goods for today. Not too thrilling, but let's face it, that's life.

Social Life: How Times Have Changed

My sweet and wonderful friend, Rachel, just posted a new photo of herself on Facebook, and it got me thinking how non-social I am right now. Many of my dearest friends moved away years ago, and I just don't reach out much anymore.

It's funny because I remember my mom being very much like I am now. She spoke with people at church; actually, she was often the last one out of the building, but I don't remember her just up and leaving the house to go have lunch with friends or hanging out with people during the week.

I wonder, am I really anti-social, or is it just the fact that I have a houseful of kids, and my plate is full enough. I really am thinking it's the latter. There just aren't enough hours in the day anymore. Choices must be made, and I'm fearful that unless you live with a houseful of kids, you just don't understand my plight.

There are countless wonderful people I could call or hang out with on any given day, but I just don't feel the push to do that. Is something wrong with me?

I used to be the kind of person who hated to be home. I loved being out among others. Why don't I feel that now?

I'm now perfectly happy just to be home.

It is true...I feel that those in my house are my dearest friends. I'd rather be with them than with anyone else, so I guess that's a good thing, but as I looked at Rachel's photo, I realized how times have changed. Not that she's changed all that much. She's just a lovely as ever, but the times of going "Slimming with Rachel" are no more--Rachel and I used to go to deep-water aerobics at night twice a week. #4 would ask me often if I was going "slimming with Rachel" that night. I remember him calling it from his bedroom window after he'd been put to bed: "Mom, are you going slimming with Rachel?" as Rachel and I headed out onto the driveway and out to her car.

I, honestly, miss those days.

My hope is that someday I'll be a social person again, but to be honest, I wonder if, because of my neglect, no one will want to hang out with me when I'm an old woman, after my social circle has moved out and moved on with life--missions, college, the whole sh'bang.

I'm grateful for my memories with people such as Rachel. They were a gift at a time when being home with a whole slew of little kids could have made me mental....Those days when I needed a break to be with real people who could speak in full sentences that didn't include the word "maaaahm."

Rachel, thank you! I love you! You were, and are, a treasure in my life.

Double Talk

Sometimes the things I resort to as a mother surprise even me. Let's take today's tactics for instance....

Maybe it's because they've grown unaccustomed to hearing my voice during the day when school is in session, or maybe it's because they've already grown tired of my voice in the couple weeks we've had of summer vacation, but my children (my younger boys, in particular) don't hear anything the first time I say it. EVER....anymore.

Now, I'm not the kind of mom, usually, who knee jerks the consequences I dole out in response to my kids' behaviors. I just don't. As much as possible, the punishment must fit the crime. It must be logical. It must somehow tie to the broken rule. I must admit, I've become fairly creative in tying the two together over the years. I mean, how can you avoid a little creativity when you've set those kinds of ground rules for yourself and you've been doing the same thing for over 19 years--and the end of that tunnel is so far off that it seems nonexistent?

Today, we were driving in the car. I, for the umpteen-millionth time, repeated myself. I swear the first time I speak I must sound like Charlie Brown's teacher. I just MUST.





The second time the defect must clear up because the second time around, there is sometimes some kind of response that shows acknowledgment, but I hate to admit that at times clarification is needed a third and fourth time.

There is always a lag time between the first utterance and the repetition as I stand there waiting in full expectation that there will be some glint of understanding. That's where the frustration begins. I mean, why do I even wait. I already know I'm going to have to say it again. Shoot! Pavlov's dogs learned faster than I do--excuse me while I wipe my chin.

Today, I decided that I was tired of wasting such valuable time, so instead of saying something once and then waiting for a response to see if I needed to repeat myself, I just went ahead and repeated myself right away. I just went head and repeated myself right away.

And you know what? You know what?.....

It WORKED! It WORKED! I mean like a charm. I totally had their attention. Not only that, but they were talking to me in hopes that I would respond....at first.

This carried on for about an hour. This carried on for about an hour. Then, the 13-year-old decided that he'd had enough. So, after he and his brothers promised that they'd answer the first time, I went back to normal. They wanted me to promise that I'd never do that again, but you know what?...

....I didn't promise. I didn't promise.

Up

image: mlive.com

I'm up....Kids crying my name in the middle of the night.... Coughing.... Needing to be covered up again after getting up to use the bathroom.....

This has been my night so far, so I'm up.

Just as I start to doze off to sleep again, I hear my name again in the darkness...."Maaaahm. I need you...."

I finally got her settled in my bed and then thoughts start to creep in as I think about her.....What can I do better? How can I be a better mom to her?

I don't worry about where I've gone wrong, but yes, there's been plenty of that in our history. It is destructive to think that way. It makes me want to stop trying altogether.

image: ct.gov

I figure so many parts of being a mom are like quitting smoking. You know, they say even if you've smoked for years, if you stop right now, there are still benefits to your health.

That's how it is with moms.

Let me explain.....There are things I've been lousy at lately. I will openly admit that. It's okay for me to admit that; it may even be healthy for me to do so, but to dwell on it and scrape up every little thing I'm doing wrong does nothing but bring me down. Not healthy. Discouraging.

What I do instead is look ahead. What can I do differently from here on out?

image: gbi.photoshelter.com

I'm learning that the mother is the rock. I don't care what society says these days. It seems that we're at a point where everyone says that a mother and a father can do the same jobs equally well. I don't agree. Mothers have their jobs. Fathers have theirs. It's that way for a reason. Yes, there are situations where children only have one or the other, and in those situations there is no choice, but when there is a choice, to children, mothers are the rock.

I am setting the basis upon which my children can build their lives in their early years. I teach them the basics. I am their moral guide and teacher. I lay the foundation of their characters.

Think that what I do doesn't matter? Think I can be lazy and half-hearted in this job I've undertaken?.... Guess again.

image: whchurch.org

In the past few days, I've seen two examples of where, unintentionally, I've set a poor example for my children. I saw it on Sunday during church, and I cringed. As I saw it, I had no choice but to admit that it was my stubbornness and pride that taught my children that. I saw it again when, because I was verbal about my disagreement with how someone did something, my poor example made my son choose to be unforgiving of a person. In some ways, I have poisoned my children, and it is my job to set those things right and get myself and my children back on the right path.

I have heard said that it "takes a village to raise a child," and I get that, but if that foundation isn't set by someone in their lives, it will never be there. Ideally, that person is their mother.

image: myfrienddebbie.com

So, I'm up....thinking over this job I have. What do my children build on? What do I want them to have as their foundation? What are the guiding principles I believe they need? What are the things that I will stop everything else for to correct my children about? I think of respect, personal responsibility, and obedience. These are my tenets. These are the things I need to more actively and consistently teach them. These are the things that I need to continually keep in check in myself and in my children.

I will be honest, I haven't been doing a very good job. I've been lazy and let things slip through the cracks. I've been hoping that some magical lesson in life would teach them, but that's not happening. It really is my responsibility. I can't pass the buck. It belongs to me. But, knowing this and facing it,  I can now do better. Starting today. Just like quitting smoking, even at this point, there will be benefits.

I'm getting too old to be up like this, but I can't stop. That's not what motherhood's about. My commitment is to each of these little people that call me "Mom," or in the middle of the night, "Maaahm." My responsibility is to those who keep me up.

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General Conference (Saturday): My Notes

image: lds.org

Oh, how I LOVE General Conference. I have to admit that I'm seeking answers as I watch. I'm struggling with an important relationship in my life, and I'm looking for keys to resolving the issues that lie therein. I also have to admit that I view Conference through a mother's eyes. I'm always looking for ways to be better at this job I undertake again every morning and each day all day long.

image: lds.org

My favorite talk was by David A. Bednar from this afternoon's session. He hit it out of the park. After hearing him, the rest of the world should never doubt where members of the Church stand on some very sensitive topics. I wish everything was up and transcribed or viewable. I'd post it here if it was, but I'll just make it a point to do that when it is.

Here are some of the things in my notes (I didn't designate who said what because I just jotted down my impressions as they spoke)....

• You will not always be safe from the influence of the adversary; check your nestlings.
• There is power in the faithful prayer of a righteous mother.
• If I build on the sure foundation, I will not fall.
• PRAY! Council with the Lord in all my doings, and He will direct my paths.
• STUDY! The words of Christ will tell me all things what I should do.
• Hear and DO! The key to having a strong foundation is in the DOING.
• I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father.
• I am not alone.
• Mothers have the biggest influence on their children/in their home.
• Teach children about the power of the Atonement.
• Teach children to step out of the world and into the Kingdom of God.
• I must be the example of virtuous womanhood.
• I must love and honor my kids' father. What I do, they will imitate.
• Reinstate chastity. Be different.
• Put off the natural man to be sanctified.
• God wants us to overcome the world; therefore, He provides mercy. He allows for change over time.
• Don't judge. Treat others as they could be. Treat mistakes as temporary setbacks. Never condemn anyone. Allow them to change.
• If I draw near unto Him, He will draw near unto me. If I seek Him, I will find Him.
• satan seeks to destroy families. There is no way I'm going to let him have mine.
• Never give up on the goal of having peace.
• The Savior's peace can suffuse our souls and rid us of our hate.
• As individuals and families, we can attain peace.
• God is not the author of confusion but of peace.
• Be direct and stick to the basics.
• Lean not unto my own understanding.
• Bloom where you're planted.
• How we raise our children is much more important than where we raise our children.
• We are not spiritual orphans.

While we were watching, there were a number of things not related to Conference addresses that hit me briefly as well. These could very well be the first of many upcoming stepping stones on these topics.....

As we watched, two of our boys got into a bit of a tiff. The younger brother started to take off after the older brother. I stopped him with the words, "Focus here" as I pointed at the speaker. This hit me right after I said it. When other things are pulling at you that might not be for your own good, it's better to focus on those things that will improve your life. It's just a matter of self control.

With that same younger brother, someone said something that caused a reaction. After they said it, he responded just as everyone expected. From there, things typically escalate. I said to those who were preparing to join in, "Don't feed the beast." My family knows what that means--that we're not to play on his field. We need to change our interactions so that they are different from his--counteract meanness with kindness, etc. 

image: dreamstime.com

It kind of reminds me of the Native American story of the two wolves--Two Wolves Inside Me Movie. It seems to me that sometimes, maybe even most of the time, we respond in kind (not kindness). When someone is unkind to us, we respond with meanness. There is such power in changing the pattern of response.

The other thing that hit me was during the congregational hymn. Here are the words that stuck: "We will not retreat, though our numbers may be few when compared with the opposite host in view...." ("Let Us All Press On"). It seems that many times I write things that I know are going to be controversial. I hesitate to publish them because I don't want to raise contention. It became clear, as we sung this hymn that we're supposed to be different, and it's okay to state those differences. If not, what good are those differences.

Elder Bednar's talk supported that view. Let there be no doubt where we stand. We are different. Those who try to follow God always have been.

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