It finally all came to a head this afternoon. I completely melted down as I faced the fact that there are very few, if any, areas of life in which I feel like I'm succeeding. You name it, I'm screwing it up.
I didn't run away for permanent--just a night. I informed each family member, one at a time, what was going on. I received each person's approval. They were all very sweet about it. #3 was especially supportive. She is tackling the tilapia recipe in the crockpot tonight--"Oh yah, easy. I can do that." Man, I love that girl!
As the afternoon went on, I started to understand what the straw was that broke the camel's back. I've been working on a 300-page document--editing and rewriting for the past number of months. The guy hired me at a project price. If you're a writer, NEVER do this. ALWAYS charge by the number of words or pages or hourly but NEVER by the project. You'll rip yourself off EVERY time. I was warned by a number of friends, but I ignored them. I wanted to take this project on. I felt it was important. This is the lesson I've learned. The Warden and I figured out that I'm lucky if I'm making a dollar an hour at this point.
So, I said that I'd have it turned in by January 31st. I haven't touched it since before Christmas. It's due tomorrow, and I have to get it done. The basic edit is done and has been for a couple months. I'm just working on beautifying it at this point. I don't want to turn in a shabby piece of work.
My other job allows for this, and I'm so thankful to have that. The gentleman I work for treats me very well and values my work. He even sent me a bonus at the end of the year. I was so excited! How wonderful to be valued.
As of tonight (or very early tomorrow morning), I will be free again. I will be free to succeed again at the things I choose to do with my life. Lesson learned. Never will I make that sacrifice again.